Recently, I read some current research floating through the etherspace that suggests Botox may be helpful for depression and anger issues! Apparently, it’s the immobilization of the facial muscles, which are used to frown, that stunts the negative emotional response or maybe it’s the cow poison in your blood that gets you so high you forget to be upset, I don’t know, I can’t remember everything. Jesus! The things you people expect from me.  Anyway, moving on, let me get this straight: not only will it make my eyes and forehead look like a shiny new baby’s bottom but it may also make me a much happier person??? Frankly, I’m just amazed my husband hasn’t ruffied me, stuffed me into the car, and dropped me off in front of some plastic surgery clinic or a guy with a garage and a needle hook-up. I’m not too sure he’d do much research but, at least, he would pin a note and a check to my nightgown. And, in case you’re wondering, the note would read:

Dear Dr.,

Please give me Botox. Lots of it! For the love of all things on this earth, my husband needs a damn break!!! Make the check out for whatever amount you want. It’s totally worth it! And only return me once the Botox has taken full effect.

Thank you.

But so far he hasn’t, this leads me assume he’s either clueless to this new research or lazy. I’ll probably go with the latter only because I’m pretty sure there was a new episode of Law & Order SVU on last night and he has a thing for Mariska Hargitay.

So, I’ve decided that before I wake up with a hideous headache, being a poked head-to-toe by Mickey Rourke and his enormous supply of Mexican Moo-tox, I should make a pro/con list.

Pros:  Mommy SHOULD get Botox:

1.  Recent research shows it may be able to reduce anger and depression thus making it possible to avoid those anger management classes recently ordered by judge.

2.  Erase all facial lines that appeared with husband’s inability to ever find wipes or diapers!

3.  Toddler will finally tire of I-am-hiding-but-you-think-something-horrible-has-happened-to-me game because Mommy will no longer look surprised and freaked out.

4.  Will finally be able to make it through a PTA meeting. May even make friends?

5.  Can make extra income playing poker (but not strip poker…no one wants to see that).

6.  May finally be able to stop cursing and thus having to have meetings with preschool teacher about what child repeated during Circle Time.

7.     Possible application to Real Housewives series?

Cons:  Mommy should NOT get Botox

1. When mad at spouse will have to resort to throwing items at his head to get anger across. Police will be called.

2.  Bully at playground won’t respond to facial expression of mild amusement so will have to whisper quietly “I know where you and your family live, you little bastard.” Police will be called.

3.  Lip-syncing to any Eminem or DMX would no longer be possible.

4.  Unable to ride NYC subway system since no longer capable of anger necessary to get on and off and to acquire a seat. Will have to carry a sword instead. Police will be called.

5.  Would spend time knitting instead of writing vitriolic blog posts thus no longer having a career since poorly made, easily unraveled scarves don’t seem to have a market. Yet…

6.  Could no longer keep upstairs neighbors from making too much noise since ruling by fear would no longer be possible. Would have to buy a gun. Police will be called.

7.  Couch will become launching pad/trampoline since “Mom Stare” will no longer be possible and able to force tushy onto chair with one glance!

8.  Will be unable to use curse words with any meaning or emphasis thus cutting off half of usable vocabulary.

9.  Putting Botox into a hypochondriac could result in constant visits and calls to doctor. Going so far as to follow him and wait outside his house in the fear that some crazy side effect may take hold. Police will be called.

I guess, if my math skillz are still in full effect, I’d have to say that the world is slightly safer with me NOT having Botox…for now…