ad hoc MOM

Aug9Movin’ On Up?
Tonya

It’s been so amazing here at adhocMOM but, sadly, we are moving on. Moving up.

I can now be found at my new blog: Going To Mensa and on twitter: @Going2Mensa.

I can also still be found at The Mouthy Housewives.

Unlike Weezy though my move won’t come with an apartment in the sky.

Anyway, since Gwyneth Paltrow has a cookbook and J.Lo seems to be up for Single Mother of the Year award I’ve decided to branch out into poetry. After a few attempts with a “Man from Nantucket” I moved on to the haiku.  I’ve written one for all you lovely folks out there in the blogosphere:

A train to catch. Now.

I know not where it travels.

Maybe back to you?

I know; it’s pretty damn deep.

Seriously, I just want to say I feel so lucky to have met such amazing people! I will miss everyone so much! And I really hope that you all come over and visit me on Going to Mensa and The Mouthy Housewives. But most of all, though, THANK YOU for all of the awesome comments, the wonderful advice, the amazing support, and, most of all, the huge laughs!!!

Love,

Tonya

 

Filed Under: Milestones


4 Comments

 
Mar8Because Cursing Is Like A Love Song To Charlie Sheen…#winning
Tonya

As I was driving up the FDR in the pouring rain on Monday, my road rage in full gear, it dawned on me that my cursing has gotten a bit out of control (and this from a gal who thinks ‘shit’ can and should be used in pretty much any context). My rampant potty mouth was later, more seriously, confirmed at the grocery store where my toddler, after standing in a very long line for a few minutes, screamed: “Jesus H. Christ, mommy, what we waiting for?” Out of the mouth of babes…I suppose. I mean, come on, the kid can’t seem to get the “to be” verb correct, or much less even acknowledge its existence, but he sure knows how to use the ‘choice’ words! I mean, come on, even Eminem says he doesn’t curse around his kids!

So, I’ve decided I’m going to use some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to change this bad habit o’ mine. (I know CBT because I’ve thumbed through quite a few self-help books in my day thus bestowing upon my much-learned person a ‘Ph.D.’ in Psychotherapy of the Chicken Soup variety, it’s a very important degree). For those who don’t know, CBT involves recognizing the adverse reaction then setting up a healthier action in its place.  I’ve made a list of hypotheticals to help myself out in the future:

#1

Situation:

Some lady with a beer in one hand and a cell in the other driving a beat-up old car cuts me off on the BQE.

Immediate reaction:

Holy Shit, cunt! Watch where you’re going you Christina Aguilera drunk ass ho!

Adjusted action:

Pardon me, Miss party-in-a-hooptie, perhaps, you’d like me to phone you a taxi so you don’t have an accident in raptor mode?

#2

Situation:

Pharmacy tech can’t find my prescription because he’s too busy talking to his buddy.

Immediate reaction:

Look you sonofabitch I don’t give a flying fuck about what you dumbasses did last night, I just want my motherfuckin’ meds now or I’m gonna hop over this damn counter and cut your fucking balls off with a spork.

Adjusted action:

Excuse me, cooter brains, I don’t mean to interrupt this obviously very important epiphanot about last night’s huge party but could you hand me my medication? I will give you some money in return and no one will leave here walking funny. Win – win.

#3

Situation:

Businessman in a hurry pushes my toddler out of the way and steps on my foot.

Immediate reaction:

Motherfucker! What the hell is wrong with you? For fuck’s sake, assface, watch where the hell you’re going! I’ll tear you limb from motherfucking limb next time you touch my kid you fuckwad.

Adjusted action:

Oh kitten paws! Facepalm! That really hurt! Please watch where you’re going you twinkle monkey! Also, next time you touch my kid I will totally ninjiate you like a narwinkle!

Obviously, a key to keeping my cursing at a minimum is to find other ways to describe the folks and situations that upset me. So, I’ve compiled a list of some phrases that are currently in the running:

-cooter brains = dumbass

-epiphanot = stupid fucking idea

-facepalm = for fuck’s sake

-ninjiate = kill

-narwinkle = crazy animal

-raptor mode = very drunk

-twinkle monkey = man who likes to show his wealth

Anyone else have some ideas? God knows I’ll need some more…

Filed Under: Marshall Bruce Mathers III Eminem, My Neuroses
Tags: , ,


21 Comments

 
Sep22And Out of The Ashes Will Rise A Clean Towel?
Paula

There are about 100 things that I would rather be doing than finishing my taxes. I’d rather be on a flight to Tahiti for one. But if running off to a South Pacific Paradise isn’t reasonable, I’d settle for a colonoscopy or even a root canal. The drugs! Quicken has made it clear we are not to be friends. We’ve spent many late nights together, and Quicken is determined to make these next few days tough for me. I realized if I was to survive the next week in tact, I was going to have to ease up on a few things. My daughter would be aloud to watch 9 billion hours a day of the “Fresh Beat Band”. No harm there, other than my guilt of course. What mom hasn’t been there and done that? Take out was a given. But then there was the issue of housekeeping. Now I have never been one to brag about my housekeeping. I’d give myself maybe a B-. There is no visible mold growing anywhere (okay, maybe in the fridge), the dust bunnies are dealt with somewhat regularly, and I do try to keep a handle on the clutter. I don’t wash my floors enough, but if your kid ate a goldfish cracker off of it I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t end up in the ER with a freakish disease. You get it, we’re not perfect, but we’re not going to be locked up by the department of health. We have a kid, our place gets destroyed on a daily basis, but we put it back together. But I have found that since Quicken and the beast that is tax year 2009 (um, yes, I did file for an extension) has been kicking my ass, I just can’t find the energy to keep putting it all back together. Normally just the site of a stray Lego is enough to send my mind wandering. I have to stop whatever it is I’m doing to PICK UP THE MESS. How can one be expected to concentrate when Elmo is lying prostrate across your living room? But time is ticking, and I have to ignore the toys, the crumbs, the sippy cups and the pile of laundry, or I will be completely derailed. I know it’s there – it’s like I can feel the squished cereal bar calling to me from the other side of the room. I AM STICKY. COME GET ME. But life is full of annoying tasks, messes can wait, and surely we’ll survive one more day without clean towels right?

Just the thought of Legos such as these lying around is enough to drive me completely mad.

Filed Under: Cleanliness, Motherhood: The Job, Worries
Tags: , , ,


4 Comments

 
Sep9Are the Snacks Always Greener on the Other Side?
Paula

I’m getting over something.  I thought it was a cold, but it morphed into something much more evil, so I’ve been on the couch for the last two days.  This meant that my husband did the first day of pre-school, and I sent him off with our daughter and instructed him to come back with a detailed report.  I wanted to know EVERYTHING.  What was the teacher like?  What exactly is “circle time?”  Is she the cutest one there?  And if she wasn’t he was instructed TO LIE.  June has been going to daycare part-time since she was eighteen months old, so I was feeling confident (read cocky) that she would jump in and do just fine on her first day.  I figured she walk in, introduce herself to everyone and immediately stake out her favorite toy.  But I also made the mistake of assuming she would know how to act like a human being by now – or the two year old version of a human at the very least.  The report came back like this:  All went great. . . until snack time, because apparently it was a mistake for me to pack her all time favorite snack in the world, “veggie bootie” which I only bust out for extreme circumstances such as plane trips, long subway rides and THE FIRST DAY AT A NEW SCHOOL.  Upon seeing that a classmate had a “miniature bagel with cream cheese” June immediately demanded that the child hand over her snack.  This kid wasn’t having it (smart girl) and June went CRAZY.  Never mind that she hates miniature bagels when I buy them.  Never mind that she positively begs me for veggie bootie every time we pass it in the damn grocery store.  She had a snack melt down.  So is this how it’s going to be?  Are the snacks always going to be greener on the other side?  Because that’s certainly how I remember it.  Unless I had a dangerous metal Snack Pack pudding in my lunchbox, everyone else’s lunch looked far superior.  This snack snafu has, oddly enough, made me feel like a mom (can’t do anything right!) – but I’m also glad I remember how it feels to desperately want your neighbors Little Debbie.  Sorry June.  But I suspect the snack is just greener on the other side.

The most coveted snack of my youth. Pudding in a deadly metal container.

Filed Under: Food, Motherhood: The Job
Tags: ,


7 Comments

 
Sep8Do Pre-Schools Have Truant Officers?
Paula

My daughter is about to start pre-school tomorrow.  I’ve been excited/dreading this change all summer.  I’m so glad that my daughter is going to have this opportunity.  She’ll get to do yoga, take art and music classes, and well, learn stuff. Some of her friends are going to the same school which makes it even better (how cute is that?).  And since I basically didn’t meet another child until I set foot in my kindergarten class, and I had never ever heard of a downward facing dog until I was in my mid-twenties, I feel pretty confident that my husband and I are giving our daughter a pretty good start in life.  But here’s the thing, I’ve basically accepted that our chances of getting her there on time are 0%.  Her school requires a bit of travel.  A fifteen-minute walk followed by a bus ride.  I know, I realize there are some people who walk six days on their hands to vote, this isn’t a big deal in the scheme of things, but this is my family we’re talking about.  We couldn’t seem to manage getting her to our local daycare on time just a few blocks away.  Add mass transit into the mix and our mornings are likely to consist of mismatched shoes, forgotten lunches and strings of curse words.  I really don’t want my daughter to be the kid who shoes up at the tail end of the “hello song” every single day.  Nor do I want her to start saying “dammit” – which is bound to happen if I’m running for the bus every morning realizing her lunch is sitting on the kitchen counter.  What do you do in that situation?  Give her ten bucks and tell her to order Chinese?  Change is good.  Change is good with kids, it means milestones – stretching limits, enjoying more together as a family.  But right now, I’m just not convinced that change involving a bus is going to be so good.  We’ll see how it goes.  Please wish us luck.

What do you do if you forget your kids lunch? Give them ten bucks and tell them to order Chinese?

Filed Under: Disorganization, Milestones, Worries
Tags: , , , ,


7 Comments

 
Aug27A Major Hillary Swank Moment
Tonya

You know how Hillary totally forgot to thank her husband in her Academy award speech and then later he was all “wtf?’ and she was all “sorry, oh my god, I’m so sorry, I’m the worst human being, like, ever” and then they got a divorce? And also, Chad Lowe probably spent most nights dreaming about whacking his wife in the head with a frying pan and putting arsenic in her drink but he didn’t cuz he’s a nice forgiving dude.

Well, hold on to your pants people, I’ve totally had a Hillary Swank moment! Recently Ad Hoc MOM was covered in Ladies Home Journal online (yay!) BUT they only covered 2 of us, NOT all 3. I have to acknowledge this before Carrie has a wtf? moment and then totally, with all good reason, tries to put arsenic in my ice tea (or maybe because my husband paid her but either way it’s something I want to avoid).

So, here it is: we suck! Ad Hoc MOM wouldn’t be here or awesome without her! I mean take a look at our Ad Hoc CHIC section: It’s totally all Carrie!

In all seriousness people, I was reading our interview when I realized that there was this incredible wrongness about it (I’m a regular Sherlock Holmes) and then it came to me: Holy Crap! Where is Carrie??? Sure she was on leave doing way more important stuff, like giving birth to an amazing, beautiful little boy, but she should have at least gotten a HUGE “THANK YOU!” and a shout out and her picture included and, if we were truly nice people, some beer poured on the ground, am I right?

So, Carrie, I’m sure you’ve noticed but you’re obviously way too gracious to acknowledge the super terrific awesomeness that you contribute to the site, and for all that you do and for being an integral part of this triumvirate, I have to say: I’m so terribly sorry. And also, a HUGE: THANK YOU!!!

Also, next week is “YAY, Carrie is Back, Bitches!” week, meaning all posts will be hers and they will be rockingly hilarious! Like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert on a unicorn.

Filed Under: Apologies
Tags: , , , ,


5 Comments

 
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