Relationship

Jan31Preventing Friendly Fire on the Battlefield of Parenthood
Carrie

If the early years of parenthood are like war, I’m afraid to say there has been some friendly fire around these parts as of late. When sleep deprivation and sensory overload take over your judgment, it’s easy to lash out at the one you love.  My husband can tell you his tales from the front: about how his eyebrows almost got ripped off his face when he asked where the infant’s acetaminophen was in the middle of a long feverish night, or how he almost got his tonsils pulled out through his nose when he fed our two month old whole cow’s milk by mistake.

My husband, using the baby as a human shield.

I’m learning, slowly, that parental stress never really goes away. Like Londoners acclimating themselves to the sound of air raid sirens during the Blitz, we have to learn to live with it.  That means I need new ways to recognize friend from foe in the heat of battle.

Uniforms, as armies and sports teams already know, are great ways to prevent incidents of friendly fire. That’s why I’m designing a line of tee-shirts for my husband to wear around the house for the next couple of years. These tee shirts will remind me why I love him: he is my ally and my last, best hope in making it out this damn jungle alive.

Friendly Fire Tees

"If it wasn't for that tee-shirt, I don't know what I would have said..."

Filed Under: Apologies, Fashion, Relationship
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Dec17Measuring Your Marital Merriment? Easy as B-I-N-G-O!
Carrie

Holidays. Kids. Winter. Money. Family. December has its fair share of stress. It can take a serious toll on a marriage. Sure, you can read self-help books, go to couples counseling, meditate, self-medicate, you name it. But how about just playing Bingo?

As you know, ad hoc MOM loves 2-for-1 fun and this one might just take the cake. ONE: play Bingo, TWO: troubleshoot your marriage. I’ve created two distinct bingo cards for use over the holidays to keep your marriage on track. [Download a PDF version to hang up on your fridge so everyone stays on the same "bingo" page!]

If one of you cries BINGO! on the “My Marriage Needs a Safety Ramp” card, it might be time to arrange a date night, STAT.

However, if one of you cries BINGO! on the “My Marriage is Doing Okey Dokey” card, give yourself a pat on the back, pour yourself a glass of egg nog and tell us how you keep the magic alive!

[WARNING: saying "Please," "Thank You," and "Good Morning," in a sarcastic tone of voice and/or while rolling your eyes is an automatic disqualification for a square on the "My Marriage is Doing Okey Dokey" Card. For those of you out of practice, try a few rehearsals in front of a mirror before attempting a genuine "Please," "Thank You," or "Good Morning." You'd be surprised how hard it is to appear sincere while trying to suppress rage, laughter, condescension, etc.]

Filed Under: Life Lessons, Relationship, Shortcuts
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Nov14Déjà Vu Kiddo
Tonya

Sometimes when I’m hanging with my 2 ½ year old I feel this strange sense that I’ve done this before. It’s not the we’ve-already-been-down-the-slide-and-yelled-wee-for-the-50th-time-so-now-I’m-just-phoning-it-in kind of déjà vu but rather a hey-haven’t-we-met-years-ago? kind of way.  It was obvious on Friday as I was trying to get P to tell me about his day and he was giving non-committal, and, at times, nonsensical, answers. Here was my husband. Years ago, Before I broke him. Before he knew that if he didn’t answer my questions — in-depth — I would treat him like a hostile witness and a disobedient prisoner, and NOT in a good way.

That’s when it became clear, toddlers have a knack for mimicking old acquaintances:

1. Toddler as bi-polar co-worker:

“I wanna go outside! I wanna go outside!”

Ok, we’ll go outside.

“Noooooooo, I don’t wanna go outside! Nooooo! You can’t make me!”

Ok, we’ll stay inside.

“Noooooo, I wanna go outside! Outside. Outside. Outside.”

Ok, stop banging on the door. We’ll go outside.

“I love you.”

I love you too!

“I love Daddy more.”

2. Toddler as drunk college roommate:

“Weeeeeeee! Look at meeeeeeeee! Is funnnnnnnn!”

What the…? How the…? Stop swinging from the ceiling fan! You’re going to….

“Aughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! My head hurts! Owwwwwwwww”

…hurt yourself. Crap. Put on your coat. We’re going to the E.R.

“Come on! Let’s run!”

Watch where you’re going…

“Aughhhhhhhhh! The door hit me in tha face”

We’ll get it looked at in the E.R.

“I wanna take my clothes off.”

3. Toddler as high school friend after gravity bong hit:

“Whas that?”

The cat.

“Whas that?”

The cat.

“Whas that?”

The damn cat.

“Where the squirrel go?”

What? What squirrel?

“I’m hungry.”

4. Toddler as grandpa:

“Whas it like ouside?”

It’s cold.

“And windy?”

Yes.

“Are there clouds?”

Yes.

“Are you gonna wear a jacket?”

Yes.

“I need a cookie.”

Filed Under: Motherhood: The Job, Relationship
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Oct22The Situation: Frightful or Delightful?
Carrie

In last week’s installment of “Frightful or Delightful?” we evaluated the appeal of a shoe. This week, we turn our attention to a heel.

The feminist in me can’t believe that I tolerate The Jersey Shore. And when I say tolerate, I mean watch religiously. Season 2 ended last night and I’m already searching the web for Season 3 spoilers. I admit to even trying to watch it in front of the kids one morning. But when my son started asking questions like “Momma, she sad?,” “Momma, they yelling?,” “Momma, that daddy?,”–I had to switch to Wonder Pets.

It turns my stomach to see the men on the show use and abuse women like objects. But the teenager in me can’t take my eyes off of these moronic boys!! The problem is, they remind me of the kids I grew up with. And they can be really funny. Vinny is my favorite–modest, sweet, funny, honest.  I’ve always been reviled by Mike, The Situation–cocky, mean, insecure, too studied in his one liners.

But lately, I’m wondering if I really do hate him? He kind of makes me laugh–especially when he gets all crazy about house cleaning or says things like “Angelina was like a half-ass firecracker. It just fizzled out real quick and made a loud noise.” It touched me last night when he got sad leaving Miami and when he thought Pauly, his wing man, betrayed him. Is he really that bad after all? I can almost feel the empathetic lump in my throat, when on November 1st, I will see racks and racks of unsold Situation costumes on sale at Ricky’s. He’ll be so hurt.

So what do you think–now that he’s past his fresh date, is he more endearing in his decline?

Filed Under: Entertainment, Frightful or Delightful?, Relationship
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6 Comments

 
Aug16Lawyer in the Yellow Pages
Tonya

Being married after kids is like trying to ride a tricycle up a mountain in 4 feet of snow. You’re tired, you’re grumpy, you’re forever uncomfortable and covered in some sort of liquid… Continue reading Lawyer in the Yellow Pages

Filed Under: Relationship
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