Motherhood: Fun? « ad hoc MOM

Motherhood: Fun?

Jan27Snowbound: A Poem of Lies (redux)
Carrie

Recently, my sister dug up this copy of a poem (mini-essay?, musing? dramatic aside?) that I wrote in the fourth grade. It is obviously a pack of lies meant to curry favor with teachers and parents.

Well today is a snow day. No school. No babysitter. An itemized list of pantry items would only include: microwave popcorn, diet coke, bread, rotten salad greens. So in the same spirit of the original “Snowbound”, (i.e. lying), I submit for your consideration “Snowbound (Redux, 2011)”

If I were snowbound, with two kids, but nothing serious to worry about,
I would like to spend my time doing these things:
Frolicking in the snow,
making Paper Mache action figures and
trying my hand at home schooling.
The reason for the frolicking is outdoor time is magical.
The reason for the paper mache is television is not good.
The reason for home schooling is because there’s no such thing as a snow day.

Filed Under: Motherhood: Fun?, Musings
Tags: apocalypse, crackhouse, sad mothers

6 Comments

Jan25Kid Shows Aren’t as Nice as They Seem…and also, Keep Away From the Yellow Snow
Tonya

I know every post of mine lately has been about the snow but geez-a-loo it just doesn’t end here! Snow, ice, some rain, then More. Damn. Snow. The weather is just pushing me to go postal. I’m thinking about wallpapering my house with white, puffy, padding or maybe just staple-gun pillows to the dry wall: same? Same.

To keep my toddler and me entertained and away from any yellow snow we’ve been watching a lot of television. Maybe it’s a lack of vitamin D but I’m really starting to enjoy these preschool shows. They’re like 20 minute psycho-dramas. All those hours of watching Dr. Drew and Hoarders haven’t gone to waste. I’m just a fancy sheet of paper away from my PhD, ya’ll.

It’s common knowledge now that Kermit was a chubby chaser, Cookie Monster overate to comfort some deep-seated emotional issues, and Elmo will totally kill you in your sleep if you close your eyes. But I also found out a bit about the new, popular characters on TV these days, for instance:

Dinosaur Train

-Dolores The Tyrannosaurus: clearly Buddy’s mom but just won’t admit it. For one thing she denies, a little too often, ever knowing of his existence (me thinks the lady doth protest too much) and it’s obvious from her bad breath that she’s not just a meat eater but also a raging alcoholic. Basically, a drunken whore whose crazy T-Rex hubby with control issues forced her to give away her clearly more clever child. Just fess up, Dolores, you whacked out chicken head, you ain’t foolin’ nobody.

-The Conductor: I’m still trying to work out why any parent would allow this creepy dude with mother issues around their child. He’s clearly a little too obsessed with Buddy and Tiny and he’s always looking for reasons to get them alone and “show them stuff.” Mr Conductor, if I have to hear about your “big brain” one more time I’m going to call child services!

-Buddy: He’s just one crazy Ambien night away from devouring his entire family. Seriously, one bedtime of taking too many of those pink pills and then a little sleep-walking, some little-sleep eating, and GULP you’ve got yourself hauled to the station for patricide. Hey Buddy, perhaps a continuous tape-loop while you sleep of “don’t eat your siblings, don’t eat your siblings, don’t eat your siblings” would be a better option.

Thomas The Train

Percy: Poor Percy, so obviously the Cliff Claven of Sodor. He just needs an 80′s stache, a poorly fitting uniform, and a trip to Florida. Sorry but no one’s ever going to really love you, Percy.

Emily: Bossy, workaholic and definitely in need of rehab for her out-of-control coke habit. Shut up, Emily, the coke has eaten away your brain, you crazy bitch!

Gordon: A social personality disorder run amok; most likely on the fast track to becoming a serial killer. Or it might be too late. He’s always in a hurry and my guess is he’s got bodies to bury. Is that a foot I see poking out of your Tender?

Thomas: Oh Thomas… he won’t be making it to the top of the corporate ladder anytime soon given his poor self-esteem and neediness. Grow a pair, Thomas, Sir Topumhat has made you his prison bitch and you’re about to be traded for 2 cartons of cigs and a chocolate bar.

Yo Gabba Gabba

Foofa: With her flowery outlook and psychedelic montages she’s definitely hopped up on goofballs; my guess is peyote with mushrooms on the side. You aren’t Jim Morrison, Foofa, it’s time to give it up.

Muno: The bumps and missing eye clearly point to an out of control STD, most likely tertiary syphilis. Hello, penicillin!

Brobie: Let’s see he’s hungry all the time, a bit slow with the speech, and he’s obviously self-medicating to control his bi-polar issues. Nothing like a huge bong hit to make all of Brobie’s problems disappear. Stop. Watching. The Weather. Channel. And. Get. A. Job.

Plex: This is the guy to be afraid of, he’s undoubtedly practicing for the apocalypse, the way he keeps beaming people in and out of the picture and ordering everyone around. This is a dress rehearsal for the revolution folks!

What shows have you been watching?

Filed Under: Entertainment, Motherhood: Fun?
Tags: apocalypse, tertiary syphilis, things I write when I'm drunk

9 Comments

Jan11Having Fun With The Babies?
Carrie

Once kids enter the picture, is it still possible to have fun?

This question has been running through my mind today because:

1. My friend Kate sent me this picture from a recent gathering of friends:

That field of babies is so adorable, I can’t stand it. But–there I am, looking the picture of poise as my son climbs on me and the other one crawls away. Most importantly…the glass of wine in the upper right hand corner is…just…out…of…reach. The riddle: if you need to keep the wine glass at a safe distance from the children, and you must be near the children at all times, how can you, in fact, enjoy a glass of wine? Answer: take your wine to the bathroom and chug.

2. One of my favorite bloggers, Stark Raving Mad Mommy, wrote an excellent post on going to Olive Garden with her kids. Dinner with the kids can be so stressful. For me, it goes something like this: Secure high chair. Throw out back while wrestling toddler in high chair. Gather all bottles, shakers and liquids in center of table out of child’s reach. Pick up menu thrown off floor. Get crayons. Sweat. Apologize to next table. Order drink. Sweat more. Look at veiled threat in toddler’s eyes as he holds fork above head, decide to skip dinner for yourself. Pick up pacifier off floor, re-insert into baby’s mouth without washing, hope nobody saw you do it. Sweat. Apologize to waitress. Order milk for kids, pray it comes in a styrofoam cup. Nurse baby under your baby burka, hope Kim Kardashian isn’t in restaurant to get disgusted and tweet about you. Sweat. Fish french fries out of water glasses. You didn’t order french fries. Where did they come from? You feel a dirty look burning a hole in your back. Flag down waitress, ask that all previously ordered food arrive at the table in a doggy bag. Order husband out of restaurant with both kids. Sit at table by yourself and wait to pay bill. Take your beer to the bathroom and chug.

3. The funniest video blogger ever, The Mompetition, posted a video called “Moms Have Cooties” about being left out by friends for girls’ nights and getaway weekends because you have kids. It’s true, something inside of you becomes very uncool once you have a child. So what should you do the next time you’re at home watching White Collar and you log on to Facebook only to find out all of your friends are at a karaoke bar without you? Pour yourself a nice vodka and Fruitables juice box cocktail (an ad hoc MOM fave), lock yourself in the bathroom and chug.

Assuming that beer helmets are hard to find and a bit too showy, how can we have fun with babies? I think the key is to find people who have the same low expectations of what makes a fun evening. Aim too high (say, brunch at a bistro, a rock show in Williamsburg or a yoga retreat), and prepare to get sad, mad, hungry and thirsty. Aim too low, and all of the sudden you’re toasting your bathroom tile with 3 day old red wine.

For me, the best solution to date has been to order pizza, get beer, and invite people over in the afternoon between 4-7. No babysitter required and you conquer dinner time while having fun with your friends (the friends you have left.) But this year, I’m kind of thinking I need to try something new. I need ideas!

What about you? What’s your idea of a happy medium somewhere in between disco nights and french fry fishing?

Filed Under: Entertainment, Motherhood: Fun?, Worries
Tags: Losers, Socializing, wine

10 Comments

Nov30There Should Be a Christmas Party For Moms
Paula

It’s 9:30 p.m. Do you know where your family is? According to the images on the baby monitor, my daughter is rifling through her stuffed animals – but craftily keeping one hand on the crib so that she’s “technically” kind of still in bed. And, by the looks of the photo my husband just sent me, he’s having a pretty swell time at the MTV Christmas party. Oh yeah, no spouses allowed. I’m not complaining – about the fact that my daughter has just started crying and I’ll have to go back into the bedroom AGAIN, or that my husband is out having a great time, he deserves it. But the picture he sent made me feel like I was missing out on something – a group of people who work together towards common goals celebrating the holidays in a major way. I want in!

I almost never miss working in an office. I love my flexibility, getting to see my kid, bonding with my friends over the craziness of motherhood. Seriously, I wouldn’t change it. But don’t mothers deserve some sort of wild holiday revelry? I mean, a Christmas bonus would be ideal – but barring a pile of cold hard cash, how about a few martinis and some fancy hors d’œuvres shared amongst a few hundred of our “colleagues.” A night where we would put on fancy dresses and expensive shoes and basically plan to “come into the office late” the next day? I miss that shared sense of irresponsibility. The I KNOW WE WORK TOGETHER, BUT THERE’S AN OPEN BAR so I just can’t be held completely responsible for my actions kind of situation. The kind of night where you lose your purse. . . or don’t remember the cab ride home. Ah, the memories!

This is the photo that saved all of you from a very dull post I was working on about cleaning out my closet.

Well, it’s 10:30, the baby is asleep, and my husband has texted me to say that he’s on his way home. Lucky him. I expected him to be out really late. I just ordered SEX AND THE CITY 2 on demand.

Filed Under: Motherhood: Fun?, Motherhood: The Job, The Holidays
Tags: i think my husband drinks, new york city, Socializing, things that piss me off, Work

8 Comments

Nov21It’s All In The Searching
Tonya

In my mind’s eye, I always saw myself treating my toddler downtime like a plutonium grenade with a missing pin. Minutes so precious every second must count. I told myself: “if he would sleep/play quietly/go to preschool I would be able to finish my novel/write funny yet life-changing posts/ workout every day and become a yogi master.” All I needed, to be this jack-of-all-trades, was some free time, and maybe a desire to do yoga…or even just the motivation to put on the damn pants.

But since P started preschool I’ve yet to become the next James Patterson/Jon Stewart/Christy Turlington…Looking at my online history, mainly my Google searches, I think I’ve figured out my issue.

Here’s my day, in no particular order (although if it were, it could be used as a map to crazy town…not to be confused with Cougar Town, which totally reminds me, I should look up Courtney Cox):

1) Fatal Familial Insomnia:

A genetic disease where the victim literally dies from not being able to sleep. Seriously! This is a horror film that could write itself. Also, after I found this, my spouse had to spend an hour of his kid-free time relaying all the reasons why I do not have this. I’m still not convinced.

2) Nicki Minaj:

A female rapper. She’s worked with Eminem and Mariah Carey. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest probably not at the same time. Her rhymes kick ass. Her multiple personalities scare me.

3) Jasmine Le Bon:

Married to Simon Le Bon. This is the bitch who took my future husband (ok, this was 5th grade, but it still hurts! I’m looking at you Jasmine!)

4) Melatonin

See #1

5) How to make a Will

See Also #1. I’m obsessing now. I’m not even sure I have anything to leave except my student loans. Is it possible for me to leave those to someone else? Like the kid who made fun of me in 6^th grade?

6) A New Couch

Do they make one that is chic but stain resistant and also will not allow small beings to jump on it? I think this is called a table?

7) Friedrich Nietzsche

Just contemplating my cynicism and lack of religious affiliation. It’s nice to know you aren’t alone.

8) Tertiary Syphilis

This disease possibly afflicted Nietzsche. NOT pretty in pictures. Apparently, Al Capone died of this. See, now my searching paid off! I’m going to be so popular at my next cocktail party; nothing says having a good time like discussing dead syphilitic celebrities.

9) Toddler Spitting

This is a precursor to one of my nightmares: my son as a chewer of tobacco, leaving used containers carelessly strewn about my house as he runs from the cops in no shirt and no shoes.

10) How Long The Human Body Can Go Without Sleep

The record is 18 days, 21 hours, and 40 minutes. I can’t stop. Help me.

Thankfully, I did use a little of my time this week to peruse the awesome Filled With Glee must-have, unauthorized (it’s forbidden so I need it even more) companion to Glee! As most know, I’m not really a sing-and-dance-your-heart-out kind of girl, I’m more of a brood-about-it-curse-about-it-maybe-throw-something-at-it-and-listen-to-Eminem kind of girl so it took me quite awhile to come around and watch Glee. Actually, it took a post on Glee by The Suniverse to get me to give it a chance. And low and behold! I AM a sing and dance kind of girl! Add to that the jump-up-and-down-on-a-couch-because-the-suniverse-gets-me-she-really-really-gets-me essay included in the book and you have a winner, Ted, a real winner!! Seriously, you must check it out!