Motherhood: Fun?

May3It’s Always The Dude With The Most Hands Who Gets All The Attention.
Tonya

P and I went to the Aquarium recently. I’m not sure which one of us was more excited. Ok, I’m going to guess P, since they weren’t giving away free Louboutins or tickets to the next Jay-Z concert. Although, I must say, the penguins really crack me up. Anyway, we took the train. And then we took another one…aaaannnnnndddd….another one because they were working on the tracks. I guess this is an improvement over winter when you have to switch trains due to bad weather? We made the most of it though.

P used my cell to take some awesome photos:

I think they really speak to the Brooklyn-ness of Brooklyn.

Then we pretended to be the various animals we would see at the aquarium:

P talking like a walrus. He really knows his animals! I’m not sure if you’ve ever had a conversation with a walrus but it’s hard to keep from laughing and also it’s hard to understand what they’re saying because they giggle a lot.

When we got to the aquarium we were just in time to see the sharks being fed. P was psyched. Frankly, I was a bit disappointed. Apparently, these sharks eat fish not stranded surfers and inexperienced swimmers. WTF? Am I right? It’s like when I went to Graceland and they wouldn’t show me the toilet Elvis died on…

I think these are vegan sharks? They at least have an issue with eating humans. They said they wouldn’t even wear human skin jackets!

I got over my being bummed when we got to watch Osborn the hilarious sea lion. He played pranks on his trainer and yelled at the crowd. My kind of guy. Like Eminem but with fins.

Quite spicy language for a sea lion!

P was a little less impressed but then we saw a woman walking through the stadium selling dolphin hats and he was elated. After that, Osborn could do no wrong!

This kid takes fashion VERY seriously, and also, sun safety.

The we caught the walruses having lunch. But they were too busy eating to talk, so, thankfully, I didn’t have to try and be polite and not laugh while they spoke. P got to climb an enormous one that I’m pretty sure was a real fossil from back when walruses ruled the earth during the Jurassic Period. I’m pretty sure that’s what I read.

A real fossil!

We also saw penguins, jellyfish, sea anemones, otters, huge sea turtles, and all kinds of really brightly colored fish. P couldn’t wait to get home and tell Daddy all about it!

Here’s his summary as soon as my spouse walked in the door:

“Daddy, we saw an octopus today, but it was sleeping. I’m hungry.”

Octopus. Sleeping. Or maybe dead. It’s hard to tell.

Filed Under: ad hoc LIFE, Entertainment, Motherhood: Fun?
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Apr28Embracing Motherhood Head On
Paula

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my kid lately.  We haven’t met many new people yet, so I’m basically her only playmate (I’m seriously afraid of what our neighbors will think of our recycling.  Vodka-chardonnay-proseco-bacardi-cocktail anyone?).  Without her usual posse, she needs a lot of attention from mom.  Yet everyday, I mistakenly think I can take the time to do something for myself. . . like blog, or pee, or eat.  Every single time I sit down I get a request for something, like juice, goldfish crackers. . . or these totally annoying gems:

The writing of this blog post was temporarily interrupted to photograph this baby in this grocery cart.  Important business!

  • Just seconds ago as I sat down to work on my blog post:  “Mom.  I need you to take a picture of my baby in this grocery cart.  She’s sleeping and wants you to take a picture because she looks so cute.”
  • I want to sit on your stomach.
  • Find my raisin.
  • I need music.  Music!  I need music!
  • What happened to all of the cotton balls?
  • After I do leave room to pee (risky.  So risky!) . . . I come back to find daughter speaking on phone to telemarketer from New Jersey Star Ledger.  Fabulous.
  • Call the Easter Bunny and tell him NOT to come into the house.  DO IT NOW.

The puzzle here is that as long as I’m standing up and like, washing the dishes or folding laundry I might be left alone.  Who is she Glenn Beck?  I’m trying to take this one day, I mean one hour. . . actually I mean one cocktail (don’t panic – it’s not until AFTER BEDTIME and after my husband is home people!) at a time.  We’ll get it together. . . make friends, get back on schedule, etc. etc.  Until then I think I’m going to have to just tell her to find her own raisin.  But as for the Easter Bunny – I’m absolutely willing to place that call.  As soon as June gets off the phone.

Filed Under: Disorganization, Motherhood: Fun?, Motherhood: The Job
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Feb10My Monkey Turns 3
Tonya

3 years ago today P was born. By the time we made it to the hospital I had already been in labor for 20 hours, peed myself twice and vomited all over our living room carpet twice (this is obviously not a story about self-respect). Like any poor battered man whose wife is alternately screaming at him: “it’s about damn time your brief pre-med stint in college came in handy,” and “you will never ever ever touch me again Mr. Grabby Hands” he threw me in the car and broke about 20 traffic laws. At one point, he was driving 100 miles an hour down a one way street, backward, while firing a semi-automatic at gangsters trying to catch us, finally landing our little Volkswagen, after a long mid-air jump over a huge traffic jam, in a mass of tire squealing and clouds of exhaust, right in front of the hospital doors. Or, at least that’s how I remember it. But then I also recall begging and pleading with unsympathetic hospital staff for an epidural that they promptly refused, going so far as to dismiss me out right! My husband says this is because they were security guards but what does he know.

Perhaps all of that chaos could’ve been avoided if we had made a birth plan? And also if we hadn’t stolen some mobster’s kilo of cocaine…at least I think that’s why those guys were after us…Nevertheless I’m a terrible planner. It causes me enormous amounts of anxiety. I couldn’t even plan our wedding; it was Vegas or Bust. So when we went to our birth class and it was time to put a plan together I was too busy freaking out about my lack of connection to our fake birthclass baby and how much of a bad omen that was for my future as a mom to even think about natural vs. epidural or hospital vs. home. (Next time I’m going to ask BuenoBaby, she’s got some great advice!)

But P finally entered the world at 1 in the afternoon on February 10, 2008. (Ultimately, I did get that epidural from some kindhearted janitor, my husband says it was the anesthesiologist but I’m not so sure) And I, in my new fashionable, mesh underwear, tear-stained face, and very sexy blue infirmary gown with a nice down-home weave pattern (I was hoping for something with the Sex Pistols), opened my arms to this little, red, wiggling body and said, “sorry, little monkey, but I’m your mom. Good luck with that.”

Today, though, he runs top speed down the street pretending he’s a dolphin (his favorite animal) or singing the Dinosaur ABC’s (from his favorite tv show) at the top of his lungs. Sure, he knows most of the dance moves to Beyonce’s All The Single Ladies and he’ll request songs by Lady Gaga, Pink, and Britney Spears, but unlike that fake baby from class, I don’t think I’ve messed him up too much.

He’s happy and funny, smart and loving, and he’s my little monkey and I love him more than anything else in this world.

Happy Birthday P!

Filed Under: Milestones, Motherhood: Fun?
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Feb9Sometimes No Schedule is the Best Schedule
Paula

I’m not proud to admit this, but it fills me with dread (yeah, I said dread) and anxiety to know I’m spending a day at home with my daughter without a Plan.  I’m just not the kind of mom who can do things on the fly.  I’m not good at impromptu activities . . . like, I dunno, making igloos out of sugar cubes or designing homemade paper dolls featuring the complete cast of 90210.  I like a schedule, even if it’s filled with dull ordinary tasks like buying q-tips and juice.  So I was positively fearful for my life when I realized I had no plans whatsoever today, because as those of you with toddlers know, this pretty much means that anything can happen.  My husband could come home at 7:30 to find me tied to a chair, or maybe our entire apartment would be empty – our daughter having systematically sold all of our belongings on Craig’s list.  Who knows?  And all because I didn’t bother to take her to the library?

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  We call this game PROJECT RUNWAY.

Fearing the worst I started frantically googling activities and lucky me, I found a sing-a-long.  We were off to a good start, as this took up half of the morning.  Just as I was trying to figure out how to kill the afternoon I got an email from Carrie.  We could come over and play at her house later that afternoon.  HALLELUHA HALLELUHA my day was saved.  June and I went home, ate lunch, and began the charade that has become the afternoon nap.  This involves her rearranging her bedroom furniture for twenty minutes and then coming out of her room, often naked, announcing ‘I DON’T WANT TO NAP” and then I usually lay on the floor and cry.  But today, while she was rearranging the furniture, I fell asleep.  I woke up TWO HOURS LATER, went into the bedroom, found my daughter fast asleep, with all the lights on, in pj’s and two pull-ups which she had decided to put on herself.  She took a nap.  Even better, so did I.  My phone started buzzing.  It was another friend in the hood whose son is also an infrequent napper.  He was also semi-comatose and they too were going to miss the play date at Carrie’s.  They came over an hour later, had dinner – and we were even joined by the dads and had adult take-out to accompany the kids and their chicken nuggets.  Cocktails were had.  This portion of the day was most definitely NOT on the schedule, but it was a most welcome addition indeed.   Clearly the next time I don’t have plans with my kid I shouldn’t act like such a freak – sometimes fun ensues!  But seriously, I’m just so grateful for the nap and the bonus time with a friend.  The next time I get an invite from Carrie, more likely than not, I’ll be the first one there.

Filed Under: Fashion, Motherhood: Fun?, Motherhood: The Job, Musings
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Feb2You Can’t Hide Your Dirty Secrets From the iTunes Genius
Paula

I’m not the most tech savvy person.  Every time I manage to put up a blog post I feel like a sorceress.  So it was a pretty big deal when I decided to turn on the itunes genius* feature for the first time yesterday.  I mean, with the amount of apprehension this caused me you’d think I was actually cloning my kid with a kit I bought off of Craig’s List.  As it turns out, I was right to be scared.  This is what “The Genius” came up with for me. . .

The Theory of Relativity, a bitchin’ mix featuring Wings and ELO, is there anything this genius can’t do?

GENIUS MIX #1: Musicals, OR You Are Actually a Gay Man

FEATURING: Pippin, West Side Story, The Cast of Glee, Wicked, and Rent

This would explain why I went 525,600 minutes without a single date in high school.  While I do LOVE a good musical I’ve come a long way since I cried through an entire pack of tissues the first time I saw Rent.  My husband knew I was a big fan, so he took me to see one of the final performances on Broadway when I was eight and a half months pregnant.  I brought an entire box of tissues expecting a huge hormonal sob fest.  But instead of crying through the gut-wretching gospel number I’ll Cover You. . . I was all “SERIOUSLY LOSERS!  THIS MAN HAS A MORTAGE!  Do you even KNOW what that means?????  Get off your asses and get jobs!  Stop all of this singing and pay him some damn rent!” I guess my tolerance for East Village bohemians was lower as an expectant mother in my mid-thirties.

GENIUS MIX #2: ADULT ALTERNATIVE, OR You Seem Kind of Angry and Depressed

FEATURING Liz Phair, Amy Mann, Jeff Buckley, Ray La Montagne and Beth Orton

I could probably give this mix to my daughter on her 16th birthday with a simple warning – “don’t let this happen to you.”  But where would the fun be in that?  I still remember the first time I heard Jeff Buckley’s GRACE.  I thought it was THE most perfect music ever.  Too bad he decided to go swimming in the Mississippi River with all of his clothes on and drowned.  He was totally my type!  But then I discovered Ray La Montagne who quit his job at a shoe factory to move to a cabin in Vermont to ignore society, grow a massive beard and write depressing songs.  So sexy!  And as for Liz Phair, isn’t getting exiled from guyville what your twenties are supposed to be about?  So as much as it pains me to see my formative years boiled down to an “adult alternative,” I just don’t think I would have had it any other way.

GENIUS MIX #3:  SOFT ROCK MIX, OR You Should Put On a Chunky Necklace and a Tunic From Eileen Fisher

FEATURING:  Paul McCartney and Wings, Elton John, ELO, Kenny Loggins, and Fleetwood Mac

It’s possible I’m listening to this mix right now. . . I’ll leave you guessing about the chunky jewelry.  I know the Beatles are really great and everything, but I have a soft spot for WINGS.  I had kind of forgotten about this until The Genius remembered it for me.  I’m seriously starting to warm up to The Genius now.  I’m starting to get excited about what other musical secrets it’s going to uncover.  Maybe a Rod Stewart song I haven’t listened to in years?  And I’m pretty sure I had a Bad Finger CD somewhere.  I’m completely okay with the fact that The Genius is basically telling me that I have the tastes of a 63-year old woman.  Maybe I should slip into some palazzo pants and rent IT’S COMPLICATED on demand tonight!

GENIUS MIX #4 POP MIX, OR You Are So Not Twelve.  Seriously, What’s Wrong With You?

FEATURING Kelly Clarkson, Justin Timberlake, Katy Perry, Britney Spears and the Jonas Brothers.

Just as I was all “Wow!  Second Hand News! Look at my extensive collection of classic rock!”  I was hit with the jingly beat of the f-ing Jonas brothers.  Apparently at one point I thought it was a great idea to download BURNIN’ UP.  I’d be lying if I said I regret it.  It’s not a terrible song.  Especially when it’s followed up with Senorita, Carilfornia Gurls, and Breakaway.  I’m feeling more youthful just writing this.  Seriously.  I am in AWE of the power of the genius.  Screw IT’S COMPLICATED.  Has anyone seen my DVD of Blue Crush??

* If you were wondering, no one from apple/itunes etc. etc. asked me to do this.  But seriously, if apple wanted to give me a job they could totally call me.  Because as you can see based on this post, it’s possible I have too much time on my hands.

Filed Under: Entertainment, Life Lessons, Motherhood: Fun?, Resources
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