My husband expresses a desire to purchase new clothing about as often as we earthlings are privy to a total eclipse of the sun. It’s a rare event. And much like an eclipse the interest in new clothes is very short lived. The moment must be seized! This opportunity needs to be taken advantage of and we only have a few precious moments to outfit him with pants, shirts, sweaters etc. before it’s all over and I’m left standing in line with one lame t-shirt. This is how I found myself in the Gap with half of New York City on Saturday afternoon. I’m pleased to report that my husband’s shopping excursion was so successful that I thought I’d push things one step further and try to buy myself some new jeans. The hubris!

I ask you, is it actually possible to be insulted by a pair of pants? I started looking for some jeans in my size only to be confronted by the cruelest, meanest jeans. These jeans bore the names “the always skinny” the “forever skinny” and the smug “long and lean.” This nasty trio seemed to say “We know you eat a muffin for breakfast twice a week. It totally shows. Stay away from us you carb-hoarding, muffin-loving whore.” I mean, it’s taken me years to say that I’m a reasonable size, but hell to the NO am I always skinny. I AM NORMAL. Thanksgiving is this Thursday! If I knew little Miss “always skinny” was sitting in my drawer would I be able to put gravy on my mashed potatoes or eat pumpkin pie with any pleasure at all? I think not. As for “long and lean?” I’m sure she’d eat exactly 4oz of turkey and a slice of pie so thin you could see through it. Then she’d excuse herself and go on a 12-mile run. What a wet blanket! Needless to say, I was the one who left the Gap empty handed this time.

This may look like a pile of toothpicks, but it’s actually a group of twenty-something women who buy their size two jeans at J.Crew.

And it turns out it’s not just the Gap. J. Crew’s collection of jeans features the “toothpick,” “matchstick,” “downtown skinny,” and “vintage slim.” Seriously? Why not just create a pair called “eating disorder in denim?” Do they actually think women will fall for these schemes? That we believe we’ll become as thin as rakes by putting on a pair of pants named for a toothpick? As if!

I’d be more comfortable shopping for a pair of jeans with names like this:

The “Totally Normal”:
Your hips are in fact larger than your waist, and you weigh more than 98 pounds.

The “Your Secret is Safe With Me”:
You have children (or have a serious muffin habit) and have that annoying pile of stomach that must be contained by your pants.

“The MILF” (boot cut or straight let):
You aren’t 19, you eat food on a regular basis, and you’re all the hotter for it!