It’s been awhile since I’ve had to call upon the wisdom of Betty Crocker.  I’ve been a big fan of Betty ever since I came across her sage suggestions in my mother-in-law’s copy of the Betty Crocker Picture Cookbook.  Helpful gems worthy of Deepak Chopra or maybe Pee-Wee Herman . . . . such as “If you’re tired – immediately lay down on the floor.”  Am I lying on the floor right now?  You tell me.  Or, “if you’re going to use the oven, you need to turn it on.”  Good to know!  I definitely noted that one.

Based on these suggestions alone it was undeniable that Betty Crocker was a giant font of knowledge.  But could she save a mother from crushing her daughter’s dreams with a mediocre birthday cake and a flaccid pizza from Antonio’s on Flatbush Avenue?  June has been to some serious birthday parties, and her expectations are running high.  One day she wants “a blue cake with a moon, and stars” the next day “a giant chocolate cake with birds” and the next some bizarre Colin Cowie style minimalist fete with “100 balloons.”  Bubbles in large quantities have been mentioned.  Maybe I should just order up a unicorn petting zoo to cover all my bases?  What June doesn’t know is that she’s not getting an official party this year.  We’re celebrating at home with family.  That being said, I don’t want her third birthday to be on the top of the list during that inevitable first therapy appointment.  I was wondering if Betty could work some party magic with my limited time and resources.  It turns out she totally can!

1)            “Party-Surprise Sandwiches”

The shockingly horrible ingredients in this sandwich are entirely masked by cream cheese.  Betty sure knows how to surprise people!

Why make a sandwich when you can make a sandwich ENTIRELY COVERED IN CREAM CHEESE?  I know, you’re wondering why you’ve never done this before right?  Betty recommends filling them with margarine, mayonnaise, chopped olives and “canned chicken.”  These ingredients would certainly result in a surprising sandwich.  You’re looking in your mailbox for an invite to this party right now aren’t you?

2) “Candle Salad”

Seriously?  Seriously??

Described by a party guest in the book as “better than a real candle because you can eat it.”  Indeed!  This salad could also be called the “penis salad” or maybe even the “cock ring salad.”  The directions indicate that one would insert a banana upright in the center of a pineapple ring and then top the banana with a cherry.  Why?  Why would anyone do this?  Has this slutty salad ever been served in the history of birthday parties?  Betty, were you drunk when you came up with this one?  You can tell me.  I’d totally understand.

3) “Fatso and “Old Hobo Joe.”

Which old people fruit/cereal combo can we get you?

And for our third course, I’d like to offer you a choice of “Fatso” which consists of a half of a canned peach on a bed of cheerios topped with a deadly maraschino cherry nose (which they do NOT carry at the Park Slope Food Co-op by the way, don’t even ask) and an apple slice for a mouth, OR “Old Hobo Joe” which is an ever appetizing prune nestled in a pile of Wheaties wearing a jaunty apple cap, banana slice ears and blood red cherry eyes.  Cute and delicious!

As for the cake?  Apparently I can just add about a gallon of cancer ridden food dye to the icing, and then throw a pile of animal crackers on it and I’m good to go.  Easy-peasy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUNE!  MOMMY LOVES YOU SO MUCH!!!!!