ad hoc CHIC

Apr11My Standard Issue Mommy-form and How I Tried To Change It
Carrie

On Saturday morning, the family and I set out to attend an outdoor activity. We were excited for this one–it was called Touch-a-Truck.  For $5.00, kids were allowed to climb aboard firetrucks, cement mixers, cherry pickers, garbage trucks and all types of cars. For my son, this was, essentially like Beatlemania. It turns out (shocker!) there were only about 7,500 other kids with the same fantasy. It was a madhouse. The scene: long lines with a soundtrack of horns operated by three year olds and tormented screams by kids who waited in the backs of lines that stretched 30-minutes long.

As I stood shoulder-to-shoulder, diaper bag-to-diaper bag with the other parents from my neighborhood, I was greeted by a gruesome sight: hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of other moms and dads who…looked…exactly…like us. I felt like I was in a  mirror-filled funhouse, running into slightly distorted versions of myself with the same mom uniform. Big Sunglasses, Ponytails. Big Sunglasses, Ponytails. Big Sunglasses, Ponytails. It was creepy. And unnatural. And identity-crisis inducing.

That afternoon, I left the house for my usual weekend solo jaunt into the city. I was spooked by seeing one million me’s at the Touch-A-Truck. When I got off the train, I was in a trance. I wandered into my favorite stores and started trying on all sorts of freaky stuff–trying to break out of my mom mold.

I tried on not one, but two strapless jumpsuits. Heart-shaped sunglasses. Neon checkered vans. Cropped leather jackets. Lace vintage blazers. Tiger-patterned parachute pants. I was all over the map, and it wasn’t pretty. I was desperately trying to shed my Mommy-form. And what was I trading it in for? An outfit that made me look like an aging crystal meth addict from 1984?

What..had..I…become? I succumbed to the wave of my existential crisis. There was no original thought. There is no free will. We are rats in a maze. Ghosts in the machine. Spirits in a material world? (Wait–why have The Police invaded my brain? Has all this Eighties fashion driven me into the arms of Sting???)

I hadn’t felt this way since, well, 1986 when I went to a Howard Jones concert in what I thought was a unique outfit with an oversized fedora perched on the very back of my head. I arrived, greeted by the sight of 2,000 other 14 year olds wearing the same hat.

So maybe this wasn’t so bad! If it had happened to me when I was 14 and if it’s happening now when I’m 38, maybe things haven’t changed so much at all? Maybe I’m going with the flow. Maybe I’m tapping into the zeitgeist. Maybe I’m exactly where I should be?

But maybe a pair of heart-shaped sunglasses would help me see myself and others with a little more love in my heart? A little flair didn’t do any harm, now did it?

Filed Under: ad hoc CHIC, Fashion, Fear
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Apr4Blinded by Love, Barn Filled With Pottery
Carrie

I love Pottery Barn. I know I’m a punch line. But so what, who cares? I’m a child of the eighties, so sue me. Loving Pottery Barn is such a joke that there was even a Friends episode dedicated to it. I’m a “designer”– couldn’t I get more creative than this?

I know that it would be cooler if I didn’t like it. I could make myself seem younger if I stuck to West Elm or Design Within Reach. For Christmas’s sake, even Crate and Barrel would be more palatable.  It would be preferable if I scoured flea markets with an eye for the eclectic, or had the cash flow to decorate my house in a more minimalist modern style, but what can I say? The Pottery Barn catalog fills my brain with potent house decorating fantasies. They are so strong, that sometimes I feel like I actually own a house on a beach where I throw casually elegant brunches every Sunday and toil on nothing more troubling than a 3-item to-do list and a crafting project. If I find myself straining to read a small line of print, a giant magnifying glass is always within reach.

But lately I feel like Pottery Barn is a boy I’ve been dating for years: a jerky preppy jock, perhaps–popular in the extreme, but pretends to like indie rock to give him an edge. I’ve wasted years following him around like a puppy only to realize that I know everything about this boy, but sadly, the boy knows NOTHING about ME.

For example, I have never written a To-Do list on a chalkboard. And IF I had written a to-do list, it would not have three duncey-dumby things on it. My to-do list is so long,  I don’t have time to write it on a chalkboard. I don’t have the wall space for a chalkboard! I don’t need to need chalk, because then I’d need to write on the chalk board “BUY CHALK” and that would be a real shame, let alone a closed circuit of supply and demand.

I have shoes, coats, bags and lunch boxes. My entryway is not filled with rocks, pottery and artfully arranged firewood. Come to think of it, I don’t even have a fireplace, you asshole, and you’d know that if you ever bothered to come to MY house for a change.

I have a computer with lots of cables. When I work late at night, my desk is littered with dirty dishes, coffee mugs, an empty beer bottle or two, some kid toys, and some old cough drops. Not stacks of books, beautiful note cards and apothecary jars filled with objets d’art, n’est ce pas? If I had a writing desk, it wouldn’t look anything like the ones your catalog photographers so lovingly memorialize.

I have innumerable unmentionables that I need to hide under my bathroom sink. I’m not going to over-share, ’cause I ain’t that kind of dame, but for the love of embarrassing toiletries, please stop showcasing open shelving for the commode.

I  have a backyard. I am lucky. BUT, but, but. It is not an outdoor screening room.  And if it was, I wouldn’t want to watch an old, dumb movie about an old, dumb pickup truck on an old-time road to nowhere. I don’t have an electric outlet back there to plug in the projector, the Christmas tree lights, the rattan pendant lights (nor the New York City permit to string them up and operate them), all-weather ground beds, or the wherewithal to schedule 3-4 hours of my time making popcorn and funneling it carefully into tiny paper cones for my guests, who are all of your friends anyway. And now that we’re on the subject–I find your friends to be a bunch of BORING foodies–all they talk about is wine and flavor profiles like an army of lobotomized morons from wine country.

So I guess my only question to you,  Pottery Barn, is: do you even know who I am? Have you been listening to anything I have ever said? When do I get to pick the restaurant? The rock show? The movie? Pottery Barn, look, you’re really cute in a kind of pre-Dancing-With-Wolves-Kevin-Costner-kind-of- way, but I just don’t think this is working anymore. Goodbye. I love you and I always will.

Filed Under: ad hoc CHIC, Relationship
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Jan20Secret Identity Interiors
Tonya

Being a mom + blogger + writer = spending inordinate amounts of time in the confines of home base (it also = no income, but that’s a different post). And recently with all of the snow and ice this means even MORE time indoors. I’m not quite at the point where the walls are closing in or I’m imagining tiny little people talking to me….except, the butler in the bathroom, he’s totally real…But I am getting very VERY tired of the furniture that exists in my small space so I find myself constantly hunting for new stuff.

I’ve moved on from the typical types and usual sites. I want superhero-style decor! You know, it does one thing but then you take away its glasses and put on the cape and its something else entirely! As Carrie pointed out in a previous post, our friend Erin recently found a couch that turns into a desk.

My ideal piece would be a couch, a desk, a treadmill, and a bed all in one (but then my full-on food fantasy is broccoli that tastes like cupcakes), I haven’t been able to find this exact item but I’ve found a few contenders:

It’s a couch! NO, it’s a bed! Yay!

I’m sure this is super pricey but should you decide to dabble in meth dealing to support the new décor habit you precisely where to hide the drugs…and the hookers! Now you see it…now you don’t!

It’s a Chair! NO, it’s a toy! Yippeee!

With this furniture, the kid can literally take the apartment apart, AND when he’s done, put it all back together again! Of course, when he does it at grandma’s he’ll get a quick lesson in impermanence.

Is it a chair or a package? You decide!

Now, should you kill your spouse because he asked one too many times where you keep the damn baby wipes you have an excuse: you went postal! Acquitted!

Filed Under: ad hoc CHIC, Resources
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Dec242011 Fashion to Moms: “Merry Christmas!”; Moms to 2011 Fashion: “Hallelujah!”
Carrie

Christmas time usually means you spend a lot of  time in malls, department stores and boutiques looking for presents, but inevitably, perhaps, shopping a little for yourself. This year, for me, it meant getting up close and personal with all of the styles and trends I’ve been avoiding for as long as I can hold out: cropped sweaters, skinny jeans (Paula has already covered this topic for all of us!), eighties shoulder pads, the tuck and roll boyfriend jeans. These things can look great on a lot of women I know, but not me. I feel like I’ve been benched by the fashion industry for several seasons. Look, I know–I’m not exactly an ideal demographic right now: approaching 40, new mom, work at home. There’s not a lot of need for glamour and style in my life right now. But isn’t that kind of like adding insult to injury?

I realized that Christmas might just have come early for me when I took a gander at some of the looks coming out of the pre-fall 2011 and spring 2011 fashion shows. (What–me looking at fashion show looks?! Let’s just say it was a slow day.) It looks like fashion might just be working in my favor in 2011!!!

The Seventies are back, baby, with all of their streamlined and flattering silhouettes. Skinny jeans are still here, but so are wide leg trousers! Hooray! Style.com has named a top shoe trend for Spring 2011 as “walk easy.” Diane von Furstenberg is embracing the turtleneck and Max Azria is all about A-lines. We also have a trend called “pajama-wear” (I think I’ve been rocking that look for the past 3 months), head scarves (the better to hide your roots) are everywhere, and draping with layers skim the body in the most figure-friendly ways.

I know that I’ll only be able to afford these trends in the Fall of 2012 when I go shopping at Marshall’s or TJ Maxx, but there’s something in me that’s delighted by all of this. It’s almost as if there were a bunch of fashion designers and influencers who returned from maternity leave and realized that cropped sweaters and low-cut skinny jeans aren’t a good combo when you have to crouch over your children all day long (hello, plumber’s crack!). I’m not going to lie–it ain’t all good. There are still a lot of jumpsuits, pleats, some horribly unflattering hit-at-the-knee pants and (gulp) sheer maxi skirts. But still, I’m optimistic. And that’s just the amount of good cheer I need to get me through the holidays!

1. Turtlenecks by Diane von Furstenberg (photo courtesy of Style.com)

2. Platform Sandal by Michael Kors (photo courtesy of Style.com)

3. A-line skirts from Max Azria (photo courtesy of New York Magazine)

4. Wide Leg Trousers by Thakoon Addition (photo courtesy of New York Magazine)

Filed Under: ad hoc CHIC, Fashion
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Dec6Dirty Hair? Fake It ‘Til You Make It (to the shower)
Carrie

I know a mom named Carey* who seems really nice but sometimes goes days on end without washing her hair.
(*NOTE: Names have been changed to protect the unclean. I know–WEIRD! My name is Carrie and I know a girl named Carey, which is the same name but totally different. Not the same. At all.)

Carey’s husband is out of town and has left her home alone with her two children. She’s overwhelmed at the idea of taking care of her two kids for a week by herself, and has no idea how she’s going to fit in showering. But what’s the worst that could happen??**

(**NOTE:  The worst did happen to poor Carey, the heroine of this story, when as soon as her husband drove away in the taxi, she smelled a dead mouse behind the refrigerator and had to call Tonya to beg her husband Ken to handle the dead mouse issue. Happily, Ken was able to dispose of the mouse. Carey wanted me to tell Ken “OH MY F**ING GOD THANK YOU AGAIN. I ALMOST LOST MY SHIT THERE FOR A SECOND.”)

Ok..back to hair! To help Carey through her husband-less/shower-less week, I reviewed some “Dry Shampoos” on her behalf. What is a dry shampoo? Think: Hairspray that promises to blast the oil right off of your head. I was intrigued by these time-saving products, because as some ad hoc MOM readers know, I am always searching for new ways to appear clean without actually bathing. Dry Shampoos were also recommended by my awesome friend Kate whose hair always looks fabulous. I take a beauty tip from Kate as gospel. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get the shampoo that she recommended the most, but I gave these three a try, for Carey. Poor dirty Carey.

1. Salon Grafix Invisible Dry Shampoo $6.75
I like Salon Grafix and use their hairsprays a lot, so I wanted to check this one out. You spray the stuff on like hairspray, let it sit for a minute, then brush it out. The result? Absolutely nothing! Aside from giving my scalp a refreshing blast of air, this product did not make my hair look clean. First it made me sad, but when I noticed echinacea in the ingredient list, I felt confused!!  Was it going to help my hair stave off a cold?

2. Klorane Gentle Dry Shampoo $5.95
A sticker on the can tells me that this is the recipient of the Allure Editors’ Choice Award. I can see why. This stuff has oat extract and other fancy stuff that is meant to absorb oils. You spray it on, leave it on for two minutes and then brush it out. Before I brushed it out, I was scared. When I looked in the mirror, it looked like I was wearing a powdered wig. I brushed it out, the powder went away and my hair was fuller and had more volume. I wouldn’t say it felt cleaner, but it looked cleaner. My hair wasn’t shiny, but I guess that was the point.

3. TRESemme Fresh Start. $7.07
If the Salon Grafix made me feel sad and confused, and Klorane made me feel scared, this one made me feel mad!! These dry shampoo tests are a real emotional roller coaster, I tell you! The TRESemme shampoo is different because it’s a foam. You rub it in your hair and it kind of makes it all wet and droopy. Then you’re supposed to take a towel to “gently remove any dirt and excess oil.” WAIT. Did I just wet my hair with stuff and then dry it with a towel? Isn’t that kind of like shampooing? So why wouldn’t I just take a shower and why does my hair still look dirty?

Here’s my final verdict: if you don’t have time to take a shower, try some of the dry shampoo products out there, but don’t expect miracles! I plan to tell Carey to use the Klorane one when she’s in a real pinch. By making her hair look clean, dry shampoo can prevent Carey’s son’s school from calling social services on her–a major plus!! Sadly, I don’t think dry shampoo is going to help her catch the eye of hair model scouts roaming the streets of Brooklyn. But that’s the price you pay for fake cleaning your hair.

So what do you guys think–have you tried any that you like?

Disclaimer:
Ad Hoc MOM was in no way compensated for these items and we are in no way affiliated with the above items nor have we received any of them for our review. Should you wish to have us review something or compensate us, bring it on and email us.

Filed Under: ad hoc CHIC, Cleanliness, Reviews
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