ad hoc MOM
I got off the subway today and lucky me! I was right outside the conductor’s car! I waved like crazy and smiled from ear to ear when he waved back. But here’s the thing – he wasn’t giving me the enthusiastic “oh, isn’t your kid just so cute?” kind of wave. That’s when I remembered. IDIOT. YOU ARE ALONE. And seriously? Did you just frantically wave at the subway driver like a total freak? Come to think of it, I have a pretty hard time turning all the mom business off even when I’m alone. Those opportunities that make getting through the day just a little bit easier with a kid . . . like waving to the subway driver – or getting super excited about seeing a fire truck or gasp – a NEW episode of Backyardigans have become so important that I fear I’m forgetting how to interact with normal society. But luckily a few friends were willing to assure me that I’m not alone here. Case in point:
- My husband and I were having a rare brunch together SANS child over the Christmas break. Since I had eaten approximately ten billion cookies over the holiday and was not able to button my pants, I ordered the virtuous “porridge” (I know, might as well b68 have ordered a cup of gruel). Peter kindly offered me a bite of his chicken sausage. When I said, “yeah, sure” – my husband, who will be hyper-aware of choking hazards until June is 34 proceeded to spend seven minutes pulverizing a piece of sausage into a paste for me. My porridge was suddenly much more appetizing.
- It was also around the holidays that a good friend was in the wretched position of being trapped in the house with two vomiting feverish children just when she needed to be shopping like mad. Finally free of disease, I offered to baby-sit her super adorable infant while she caught up on the gift buying. She got dressed, grabbed her purse, and proceeded to STRAP ON HER ERGO. I was like “That’s a hot look. I especially like the way it dangles down in front of you and casually swings from side to side. Really good.” Ergo removed. Fashion crisis averted.
- Another friend who I would describe as especially sophisticated has resorted to greeting people with a very borderline HELLLLOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW ARE YOOOOUUUUUU?????As you would a two year old, even though she’s quite likely talking to a middle-aged publishing executive.
What’s that noise? It’s just a firetruck! No, actually, it’s the highlight of my day.
When I think about my total inability to separate my parent self from my regular self, I admit I just want to cry. I used to judge such people so severely. . . seriously, I used to want to stone them. So I apologize to those of you who can’t help but refer to themselves as “mommy.” I get it now. I see how it happens. Will you accept my apology? And please, the next time you see me jumping up and down on the 2/3 platform – please be kind. I’m not crazy – I’m just a mom, okay, maybe I am crazy, but please don’t throw anything at me.
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