ad hoc MOM

Aug9Movin’ On Up?
Tonya

It’s been so amazing here at adhocMOM but, sadly, we are moving on. Moving up.

I can now be found at my new blog: Going To Mensa and on twitter: @Going2Mensa.

I can also still be found at The Mouthy Housewives.

Unlike Weezy though my move won’t come with an apartment in the sky.

Anyway, since Gwyneth Paltrow has a cookbook and J.Lo seems to be up for Single Mother of the Year award I’ve decided to branch out into poetry. After a few attempts with a “Man from Nantucket” I moved on to the haiku.  I’ve written one for all you lovely folks out there in the blogosphere:

A train to catch. Now.

I know not where it travels.

Maybe back to you?

I know; it’s pretty damn deep.

Seriously, I just want to say I feel so lucky to have met such amazing people! I will miss everyone so much! And I really hope that you all come over and visit me on Going to Mensa and The Mouthy Housewives. But most of all, though, THANK YOU for all of the awesome comments, the wonderful advice, the amazing support, and, most of all, the huge laughs!!!

Love,

Tonya

 

Filed Under: Milestones


6 Comments

 
Nov30There Should Be a Christmas Party For Moms
Paula

It’s 9:30 p.m.  Do you know where your family is?  According to the images on the baby monitor, my daughter is rifling through her stuffed animals – but craftily keeping one hand on the crib so that she’s “technically” kind of still in bed.  And, by the looks of the photo my husband just sent me, he’s having a pretty swell time at the MTV Christmas party.  Oh yeah, no spouses allowed.  I’m not complaining – about the fact that my daughter has just started crying and I’ll have to go back into the bedroom AGAIN, or that my husband is out having a great time, he deserves it.  But the picture he sent made me feel like I was missing out on something – a group of people who work together towards common goals celebrating the holidays in a major way.  I want in!

I almost never miss working in an office.  I love my flexibility, getting to see my kid, bonding with my friends over the craziness of motherhood.  Seriously, I wouldn’t change it.  But don’t mothers deserve some sort of wild holiday revelry?  I mean, a Christmas bonus would be ideal – but barring a pile of cold hard cash, how about a few martinis and some fancy hors d’œuvres shared amongst a few hundred of our “colleagues.”  A night where we would put on fancy dresses and expensive shoes and basically plan to “come into the office late” the next day?  I miss that shared sense of irresponsibility.  The I KNOW WE WORK TOGETHER, BUT THERE’S AN OPEN BAR so I just can’t be held completely responsible for my actions kind of situation.  The kind of night where you lose your purse. . . or don’t remember the cab ride home.  Ah, the memories!

This is the photo that saved all of you from a very dull post I was working on about cleaning out my closet.

Well, it’s 10:30, the baby is asleep, and my husband has texted me to say that he’s on his way home.  Lucky him.  I expected him to be out really late.  I just ordered SEX AND THE CITY 2 on demand.

Filed Under: Motherhood: Fun?, Motherhood: The Job, The Holidays
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8 Comments

 
Nov28The Glee of the Holiday
Tonya

It’s important to start positive holiday traditions early in life, or so I read. So this year my spouse and I talked to our son about being thankful. It went something like this:

Me: Mommy and Daddy are thankful for you because we love you so so much. You make us very happy. What are you thankful for?

P: Dragons. And blue. I like blue.

Not quite the lifetime movie moment I was expecting.

The rest of the vacation I spent catching up on all things Glee. And now all I wanna do is dance! And sing! Dance and sing! Surprisingly, though, no one wants to see an out of shape, tone-deaf dancer who’s in her mid-30s. However this apparently doesn’t apply to Gwyneth Paltrow who sort-of pulled it off, and by ‘sort-of’ I mean she didn’t make me shoot my television and by ‘didn’t make me’ I mean she’s obviously sold her soul to a demon and by ‘demon’ I mean Madonna.

I had wanted to see the new Harry Potter movie before jazz, funk, and pop numbers took over my weekend. Although, to be honest, Lord Voldemort’s lack of a nose makes me very uncomfortable, it’s like Whoopee Goldberg’s eyebrows, where the hell did they go? And, more importantly, why can’t I look away? If I were Harry I’d spend the majority of the film fiddling with my glasses or playing whose got your nose. Seriously, did Ralph Fiennes lose his sniffer to some out of control STD contracted from sexing up loose airline personnel at 30,000 feet?  Or is J.K. Rowling trying to subtly counsel us on the evils of cocaine? Think about it, the dude is always surrounded by white ‘apparitions’ and sickly Lilo-looking tweekers, not to mention his rage issues, massive paranoia, and delusions of grandeur. Classic.

I might have also wanted to see that movie Love and Other Drugs, which is a big step for me since I don’t really like movies where shit doesn’t blow up. (Seriously, that movie Shoot ‘Em Up with Clive Owen, where he kills bad guys with various snacking legumes, is one of my all time favorites!) But then I read a review of the Anne Hathaway flick and they revealed her character suffered from Parkinson’s and that’s when it hit me: I didn’t want to see the movie because I felt like a nice little romantic comedy, I wanted to see it because I was curious about what awful secret could drive a girl running from Gyllenhaal’s abs! Mystery solved, back to Glee.

As the 4 day weekend came to an end I worried that my son would’ve preferred a more active vacation but now as I watch him dance around the apartment singing “All The Single Ladies,” and, lest we forget, periodically yelling “I not a single lady!” I realize the kid’s going to be just fine.

Filed Under: Life Lessons, The Holidays
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12 Comments

 
Nov23Is it Possible to be Insulted By a Pair of Jeans?
Paula

My husband expresses a desire to purchase new clothing about as often as we earthlings are privy to a total eclipse of the sun. It’s a rare event. And much like an eclipse the interest in new clothes is very short lived. The moment must be seized! This opportunity needs to be taken advantage of and we only have a few precious moments to outfit him with pants, shirts, sweaters etc. before it’s all over and I’m left standing in line with one lame t-shirt. This is how I found myself in the Gap with half of New York City on Saturday afternoon. I’m pleased to report that my husband’s shopping excursion was so successful that I thought I’d push things one step further and try to buy myself some new jeans. The hubris!

I ask you, is it actually possible to be insulted by a pair of pants? I started looking for some jeans in my size only to be confronted by the cruelest, meanest jeans. These jeans bore the names “the always skinny” the “forever skinny” and the smug “long and lean.” This nasty trio seemed to say “We know you eat a muffin for breakfast twice a week. It totally shows. Stay away from us you carb-hoarding, muffin-loving whore.” I mean, it’s taken me years to say that I’m a reasonable size, but hell to the NO am I always skinny. I AM NORMAL. Thanksgiving is this Thursday! If I knew little Miss “always skinny” was sitting in my drawer would I be able to put gravy on my mashed potatoes or eat pumpkin pie with any pleasure at all? I think not. As for “long and lean?” I’m sure she’d eat exactly 4oz of turkey and a slice of pie so thin you could see through it. Then she’d excuse herself and go on a 12-mile run. What a wet blanket! Needless to say, I was the one who left the Gap empty handed this time.

This may look like a pile of toothpicks, but it’s actually a group of twenty-something women who buy their size two jeans at J.Crew.

And it turns out it’s not just the Gap. J. Crew’s collection of jeans features the “toothpick,” “matchstick,” “downtown skinny,” and “vintage slim.” Seriously? Why not just create a pair called “eating disorder in denim?” Do they actually think women will fall for these schemes? That we believe we’ll become as thin as rakes by putting on a pair of pants named for a toothpick? As if!

I’d be more comfortable shopping for a pair of jeans with names like this:

The “Totally Normal”:
Your hips are in fact larger than your waist, and you weigh more than 98 pounds.

The “Your Secret is Safe With Me”:
You have children (or have a serious muffin habit) and have that annoying pile of stomach that must be contained by your pants.

“The MILF” (boot cut or straight let):
You aren’t 19, you eat food on a regular basis, and you’re all the hotter for it!

Filed Under: Fashion
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11 Comments

 
Nov21It’s All In The Searching
Tonya

In my mind’s eye, I always saw myself treating my toddler downtime like a plutonium grenade with a missing pin. Minutes so precious every second must count. I told myself: “if he would sleep/play quietly/go to preschool I would be able to finish my novel/write funny yet life-changing posts/ workout every day and become a yogi master.” All I needed, to be this jack-of-all-trades, was some free time, and maybe a desire to do yoga…or even just the motivation to put on the damn pants.

But since P started preschool I’ve yet to become the next James Patterson/Jon Stewart/Christy Turlington…Looking at my online history, mainly my Google searches, I think I’ve figured out my issue.

Here’s my day, in no particular order (although if it were, it could be used as a map to crazy town…not to be confused with Cougar Town, which totally reminds me, I should look up Courtney Cox):

1)   Fatal Familial Insomnia:

A genetic disease where the victim literally dies from not being able to sleep. Seriously! This is a horror film that could write itself. Also, after I found this, my spouse had to spend an hour of his kid-free time relaying all the reasons why I do not have this. I’m still not convinced.

2)   Nicki Minaj:

A female rapper. She’s worked with Eminem and Mariah Carey. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest probably not at the same time. Her rhymes kick ass. Her multiple personalities scare me.

3)   Jasmine Le Bon:

Married to Simon Le Bon. This is the bitch who took my future husband (ok, this was 5th grade, but it still hurts! I’m looking at you Jasmine!)

4)   Melatonin

See #1

5)   How to make a Will

See Also #1. I’m obsessing now.  I’m not even sure I have anything to leave except my student loans. Is it possible for me to leave those to someone else? Like the kid who made fun of me in 6th grade?

6)   A New Couch

Do they make one that is chic but stain resistant and also will not allow small beings to jump on it? I think this is called a table?

7)   Friedrich Nietzsche

Just contemplating my cynicism and lack of religious affiliation. It’s nice to know you aren’t alone.

8)   Tertiary Syphilis

This disease possibly afflicted Nietzsche. NOT pretty in pictures. Apparently, Al Capone died of this. See, now my searching paid off! I’m going to be so popular at my next cocktail party; nothing says having a good time like discussing dead syphilitic celebrities.

9)    Toddler Spitting

This is a precursor to one of my nightmares: my son as a chewer of tobacco, leaving used containers carelessly strewn about my house as he runs from the cops in no shirt and no shoes.

10)  How Long The Human Body Can Go Without Sleep

The record is 18 days, 21 hours, and 40 minutes.  I can’t stop. Help me.

Thankfully, I did use a little of my time this week to peruse the awesome Filled With Glee must-have, unauthorized (it’s forbidden so I need it even more) companion to Glee! As most know, I’m not really a sing-and-dance-your-heart-out kind of girl, I’m more of a brood-about-it-curse-about-it-maybe-throw-something-at-it-and-listen-to-Eminem kind of girl so it took me quite awhile to come around and watch Glee. Actually, it took a post on Glee by The Suniverse to get me to give it a chance. And low and behold! I AM a sing and dance kind of girl! Add to that the jump-up-and-down-on-a-couch-because-the-suniverse-gets-me-she-really-really-gets-me essay included in the book and you have a winner, Ted, a real winner!! Seriously, you must check it out!

Filed Under: Marshall Bruce Mathers III Eminem, Motherhood: Fun?, My Neuroses
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7 Comments

 
Nov19ad hoc MOM Made: Jessica Shattuck
Carrie
The ad hoc MOM Made series provides a behind-the-scenes glimpse into the day-to-day logistics of ad hoc MOMs who, despite spontaneously erupting childcare coverage, chronic interruptions and perpetual income uncertainty, manage to create something of significance. Their stories are inspiring to those of us that feel like me might not ever finish anything ever again.
Today, we hear from Brookline-based author and mother of two, Jessica Shattuck. Shattuck’s second novel Perfect Life, published by W.W. Norton in August 2009, examines the intertwined lives of four college friends as they strive to attain their own idealized versions of family and happiness. The path to perfection is filled with obstacles, not the least of which is the unexpected reappearance of a sworn-to-secrecy sperm donor at the novel’s onset. Perfect Life earned wide-spread critical praise with Entertainment Weekly calling it “a smart, sad ruminiation on the pursuit of happiness” and People praising her “stylish story-telling and sharp social commentary.” Shattuck’s debut novel, The Hazards of Good Breeding was a New York Times Notable Book of 2003 and finalist for the Pen/ Winship Award. Her writing has also appeared in The New Yorker, The Boston Globe, Glamour, Babble and Mother Jones.

Number of days you work per week (with home/office split breakdown):
Four or five depending on school calendar and the vagaries of kids’ health. In office at home except for occasional stints at local public library when household chaos is too much.

What are your typical hours?
It varies per day–I have two seven-hour days, two six-and-half-hour days, and one three-hour morning. But this “work time” is also when I have to return emails and meet with the electrician and clean up breakfast dishes etc. And exercise, theoretically.

What’s your child care situation?
School (which, for one child, ends at noon four out of five days a week), plus eight hours of babysitting, and one afternoon of kids hanging out with my mother-in-law.

Do you have health insurance?
Through my husband’s work.

What you love most about working in ad hoc fashion:
The flexibility. As much as it drives me crazy to constantly juggle my schedule around, I appreciate that I can. It would drive me more crazy not to be able to go to a school performance or first ballet class or dreaded dentist appointment…

What you like least:
The isolation. Never having enough time to work. The feeling of chipping away at a giant block of granite with a sharp, but very tiny pick. Having to cook dinner too.

Wish you had more:
Routine. Focus. Massages. Healthy prepared meals delivered to my desk. Organizational skills.

Wish you had less:
Errands. Internet distractions (though I don’t know what I’d do without the internet for research). Teacher enrichment days.

Plans for future:
Finish writing my third book– a historical novel set in post WWII Germany. And in general, to keep writing material that gives me energy and that I’m excited about. Also to get organized and somehow, through this, become wildly productive and efficient.

Filed Under: ad hoc MADE
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