September « 2010 « ad hoc MOM

ad hoc MOM

Sep22And Out of The Ashes Will Rise A Clean Towel?
Paula

There are about 100 things that I would rather be doing than finishing my taxes. I’d rather be on a flight to Tahiti for one. But if running off to a South Pacific Paradise isn’t reasonable, I’d settle for a colonoscopy or even a root canal. The drugs! Quicken has made it clear we are not to be friends. We’ve spent many late nights together, and Quicken is determined to make these next few days tough for me. I realized if I was to survive the next week in tact, I was going to have to ease up on a few things. My daughter would be aloud to watch 9 billion hours a day of the “Fresh Beat Band”. No harm there, other than my guilt of course. What mom hasn’t been there and done that? Take out was a given. But then there was the issue of housekeeping. Now I have never been one to brag about my housekeeping. I’d give myself maybe a B-. There is no visible mold growing anywhere (okay, maybe in the fridge), the dust bunnies are dealt with somewhat regularly, and I do try to keep a handle on the clutter. I don’t wash my floors enough, but if your kid ate a goldfish cracker off of it I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t end up in the ER with a freakish disease. You get it, we’re not perfect, but we’re not going to be locked up by the department of health. We have a kid, our place gets destroyed on a daily basis, but we put it back together. But I have found that since Quicken and the beast that is tax year 2009 (um, yes, I did file for an extension) has been kicking my ass, I just can’t find the energy to keep putting it all back together. Normally just the site of a stray Lego is enough to send my mind wandering. I have to stop whatever it is I’m doing to PICK UP THE MESS. How can one be expected to concentrate when Elmo is lying prostrate across your living room? But time is ticking, and I have to ignore the toys, the crumbs, the sippy cups and the pile of laundry, or I will be completely derailed. I know it’s there – it’s like I can feel the squished cereal bar calling to me from the other side of the room. I AM STICKY. COME GET ME. But life is full of annoying tasks, messes can wait, and surely we’ll survive one more day without clean towels right?

Just the thought of Legos such as these lying around is enough to drive me completely mad.

Filed Under: Cleanliness, Motherhood: The Job, Worries
Tags: freelancing, Guilt, screwing up, why I hate quicken

4 Comments

Sep22ad hoc MOM MADE: Ada Calhoun
Carrie

Who is Ada Calhoun? New York Times Bestselling author? Check. Tim Gunn collaborator? Check. Award-winning journalist? Check. Hot Chick? Check. Mother? Check. Ass Kicker? Check!

In March of this year, Ada’s first book, Instinctive Parenting: Trusting Ourselves to Raise Good Kids, was released by Simon and Shuster’s Gallery Books. In the book, Ada soothes the stressed out perfectionist parents psyche by encouraging them to listen to their gut when raising kids. As if her no-nonsense, non-judgmental parenting advice wasn’t enough to make us love her, her latest book is a collaboration with our life idol, Tim Gunn. Gunn’s Golden Rules: Life’s Little Lessons for Making It Work was released this month and is currently #5 on the New York Times Bestseller List. The former editor-in-chief of Babble.com has also written for the New York Times, Time, New York Magazine, Salon.com and even has time for her own blog (with co-creator Kara Jesella) NinetiesWoman.com. I just got tired reading that—imagine how she feels doing it all!

She also happens to be an ad hoc MOM. Here, Ada answers our ad hoc MOM made questionnaire. Is there any doubt that having a thriving creative career while raising kids is a death-defying act of courage and resolve?

Description of books:
Instinctive Parenting: Trusting Ourselves to Raise Good Kids (March 2010; paperback October 2010): A book about my experience having a baby and running a parenting magazine. It’s about avoiding the insanity of “parenting culture” and concentrating on enjoying your family. Also, (I hope) it’s funny.

Gunn’s Golden Rules: Life’s Little Lessons for Making It Work (September 2010): An etiquette guide-cum-memoir I co-wrote with Tim Gunn, who is indeed the nicest and most wonderful man in the history of television, excepting only, possibly, Mister Rogers.

Number of days you work per week (with home/office split breakdown):
3 days in the office at the New York Post as a city reporter covering spies, terrorists and jumpers.
2 days (and at least 3 nights) at home on laptop, doing freelance work for various magazines and newspapers, or at the reading room of the library

What are your typical hours?
2 days: 9am-2pm (plus 1 hour here and there during Tom & Jerry cartoons)
3 days: 9-5 in office
often: 9pm-1am

What’s your child care situation?
As of this fall, it’s five days a week of public school, plus cobbled together after-school arrangements. Thank you, Universal Pre-K!

Do you have health insurance?
Yes, miraculously, I still have Cobra. I know it’s ending at some point and I’ll have to make a new plan. Even with the Cobra subsidy, it’s already a huge part of the monthly budget, but I don’t want to think about it. Really, please don’t make me think about it.

What do you love most about working in an ad-hoc fashion:
Every day is different.

What do you like least:
Cobbling together a schedule / a salary is like doing a crossword puzzle, except with real-world implications. It’s like that Philip K. Dick book Time Out of Joint where the guy thinks he’s just doing a newspaper contest called “Where Will the Little Green Man Be Next?”, but in reality, it’s not a game at all; if he gets it wrong, the world is blown up by spacemen.

Wish you had more of:
Flirtations. Working constantly makes it hard to sink the time and energy into getting people to tell you you’re cute.

Wish you had less of:
Things I want to do that require a babysitter. There are so many readings and movies and shows and parties I’d like to go to, so every week I have this long list of things that are awesome but don’t quite rate missing the kid’s bedtime. I hate that pressure to have fun, but the truth is, bad movies are so much worse when you’re paying an extra $14/hour to be there.

Plans for the future:
Tim and I are working on a super fun new book about fashion. I’d like to do more of my own books, and to start a company called “Facebook Detective,” because working at the Post I have developed superhuman stalking skills. Also, one day I would like to drive in a demolition derby.

Filed Under: ad hoc MADE
Tags: demolition derby, girl crush, no sleep, superhero

15 Comments

Sep20A Day in the Life of My Relationship with Eminem
Tonya

Now, that Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) and I are an item. I feel like it’s my duty to support my new boyfriend, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), in his career. I really don’t want him to get overly exhausted with work and then relapse. So, as they say, imitation is the best form of flattery, I’ve made this video for his song So Bad on his new album Recovery. Here it is:

Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) wasn’t as thrilled as I thought he’d be with my contribution. I think perhaps Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), this is my term of endearment for him, btw, misunderstood and was under the impression that I wanted his fame. I do not. Just his love. Perhaps Mommy Wants Vodka can explain it to him. But Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) and I tried to talk it out.

Anyway, here’s how the discussion went:

Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III): What the fuck is this?

(he points to the computer screen – he came across the You Tube video while looking up porn)

Me: I was just trying to help you, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III). Dr. Dre said he liked it.

(I’m nervously dusting all of Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)’s tchotchkes, he collects porcelain clowns….I know, it’s a little creepy)

Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III): You’re just like all them other bitches, just after me for my fame. You don’t really want to know Marshall, you want Slim Shady.

(he puts his face in hands)

Me: Now, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), that’s not true. I was really trying to help. Honestly. I just didn’t want to see you have to work so much. Football season’s starting and the kids are back at school. There’s so much pressure on you.

(I’ve got my hand on his shoulder, also I’m wearing some crazy ass 1950’s suit, why did I put that on this morning?)

Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III): Yea.

(I think he’s ok at this point but instead he picks up one of his clowns and smashes it against the wall)

Me: What the hell, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)? That one was your favorites! He had that fancy hat and those pretty petunias, you like so much!

(Me down on my knees – not like that, get your mind out of the gutter – cleaning up the shards of the happy clown’s short little life)

Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III): It’s true, that was, like, my total fav! Shit. Why’d I do that?

(he starts to cry)

Me: Stress. It takes a lot of testicular fortitude to do what you do, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), Do you want me to make you some cocoa?

(I’m stroking his hair as he cries in my arms. Slowly he nods his head yes.)

Me, Again: Oh, and Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), I got you this cute kitten! We can name him Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)? Or Sparkle?

(he takes the little white kitten and starts making cooing noises at it. He uses some of its fur to dry his tears)

Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III): Yea, I like Sparkle, it’s dope, yo.

And Scene.

So, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) and I are still working out a few kinks in our relationship. But, all in all, I think it’s going well. Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) and I connect on a pretty deep level and I really feel, and of course hope, that I can make him happy. And also make up for the hard life Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) has had. With the exception of the fame, success and money bit, I don’t think that fits into the “hard life” description, but perhaps Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) would disagree.

Disclaimer: Some of the names may have been changed. Or made up. But, mostly it’s true. I’m pretty sure it’s true. What do you think, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)? He’s nodding, he agrees. It’s all true, yo.

Part 1: Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) Is My New Fake Boyfriend [Like John C. Mayer]

Part 2: Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) And I Are In Love

Part 3: (This Article) A Day in the Life of My Relationship with Eminem

Filed Under: Marshall Bruce Mathers III Eminem
Tags: eminem in love, i love eminem, i love mommy wants vodka, overlooked awesomeness, things we do when we're bored

12 Comments

Sep19Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) And I Are In Love
Tonya

Now it’s been about 3 days since Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) and I have started having this beautiful relationship. I think it’s going pretty well. Especially when you consider how busy Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) has been, with his new CD and all. Thankfully, he still has time for love letters. Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) is so romantic (swoon). I really must thank Mommy Wants Vodka for setting us up.

Just so you can get a glimpse of the love between us, here are just a few of the emails we’ve been exchanging:

On 9/17/10 1:47 PM, “Tonya ” <tonyaadhocmom.com> wrote:

Dear Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III),

As you know, I have decided you and I should be together. You can see all of my reasons here.

But, I really haven’t heard from you, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III). I’m seriously trying hard not to get too upset or jealous of all the time you spend at work and on your site http://eminemrx.com/ I totally understand, I need my space too. I just hope that going forward we can communicate more. My therapist says clear communication between both parties is always key.

Also, if it’s not too much trouble, just to prove your love to me, could you at least include me on your girlfriends section? http://eminemrx.com/eminem-girlfriends/ I realize that we’re more serious than that, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), and, as I’ve said before, I don’t want the fame, I just want all those other bitches to, you know, step off. And, I’m sure you’ll agree, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), I don’t want to have to resort to urination to indicate my territory.

Okay, well, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), I really feel like we’re in a good place now. I hope you feel good about where this is going too.

Kisses,

Tonya

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Date: Fri, 17 Sep 2010 13:54:07 -0400

From: Eminem@Eminem.com

Subject: Re: I Love you!

To: tonya@adhocmom.com

Bitch, who the fuck are you? Also, how sick are you? Really, urinating? Is that even necessary? Gross.

Fuck off,

Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)

——————————————————————————————————————————-

On 9/18/10 9:08 AM, “Tonya ” <tonyaadhocmom.com> wrote:

Oh, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III),

I just love your sense of humor. Really, you just know how to make my day. I was all, like, LOL when I read that last email. You know you’re passionate anger is one of the wonderful things I love about you, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III). It really helps keep this whole long distance thing going.

Not to pressure you, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), but when do you think we’ll be able to see each other again? It’s just so hard to be apart. Is it difficult for you too, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)?

Don’t work too hard

Kisses AND Hugs,

Tonya

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2010 10:14:04 -0400

From: Eminem@Eminem.com

Subject: Re: Re: I Love you!

To: tonya@adhocmom.com

Seriously, you crazy cunt, stop writing me! We’ve never met. You’re wasting my damn time. I only use this email address for my book club and my knitting circle, so quit the psycho shit!

Jesus, are writing me from a fucking mommy blog? What the hell is wrong with you?

I’m going to kill you,

Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)

——————————————————————————————————————————-

On 9/18/10 5:35 PM, “Tonya ” <tonyaadhocmom.com> wrote:

It’ll be ok. I’m frustrated too, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III). Time apart always wears heavy on those in love. I’m so happy to hear you’re keeping yourself occupied…and not with hookers like I thought (just trying to be honest – my therapist thinks it’ll be good for our relationship long term)

Also, it makes me feel so loved that you, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), would even think about what I was doing. Not many men really care about what their girlfriend’s interests are. This is just another reason why I love you so much, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III). Do you want me to send you some of my art history articles, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)? I think you’ll really find them interesting. Only you, my true love, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), would understand the subtle nuances of what I try to get across to my reader. Although these days I write mostly about mommy stuff but since you’re so sensitive, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), I just know you’re going to love those pieces too!

Kisses AND Hugs AND Cuddles,

Tonya

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Date: Sat, 18 Sep 2010 21:58:07 -0400

From: Eminem@Eminem.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: I Love you!

To: tonya@adhocmom.com

You’re a mom? Your poor kid! Who the hell would want to fuck you?

I don’t want to read any of your shit. I sure as hell don’t want to read about some boring art shit! Look, lady, I got enough damn stuff to read, I’m still trying to make it through the Twilight series before the next movie comes out. So take your crazy crap somewhere else!

Stop writing me!

I WILL cut you into tiny pieces,

Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)

——————————————————————————————————————————-

On 9/19/10 6:40 AM, “Tonya ” <tonyaadhocmom.com> wrote:

Wow! You just keep surprising me, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)! Thank you so much for caring about my son too. And it just speaks volumes to me that you’ll even bring up my husband. I totally thought you’d be the jealous type.

I’m not really into the Twilight series but I’m totally happy to read it if you want to talk about. It will give us something to share together. My therapist says this is the healthiest way to have a relationship. Perhaps, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), you could read some Kurt Vonnegut in return? I really think you’ll love Slaughter House Five. I also love to read murder mysteries. Do you, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)? If you don’t I just know you will once we’re together.

Kisses AND Hugs AND Cuddles AND Foot Rubs,

Tonya

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Date: Sun, 19 Sep 2010 12:25:15 -0400

From: Eminem@Eminem.com

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: I Love you!

To: tonya@adhocmom.com

You’ll be hearing from my lawyer you freak!

I’m revving up my chainsaw now, bitch,

Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)

——————————————————————————————————————————-

On 9/19/10 10:47 PM, “Tonya ” <tonyaadhocmom.com> wrote:

I accept your proposal, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III). Of course, it will be a little while since we’ll have to wait for my divorce to be finalized. But don’t worry, I’ll quit my job and start working on the wedding plans right away!

Should I just send all the bills to you, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)? In Detroit?

Kisses AND Hugs AND Cuddles AND Foot Rubs AND, mostly, LOVE,

Tonya

P.S. Do you like this dress, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)? Also, what kind of cake do you like? For colors I was thinking mauve and taupe, what do you think?

P.P.S. I’ve also attached a photo of the groomsmen tuxedos I like. Does Dr. Dre have an opinion?

Part 1: Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) Is My New Fake Boyfriend [Like John C. Mayer]

Part 2: (This Article) Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) And I Are In Love

Part 3: A Day in the Life of My Relationship with Eminem

Filed Under: Marshall Bruce Mathers III Eminem
Tags: eminem loves me, i love eminem, i love mommy wants vodka, i'm getting married, my therapist is very busy

21 Comments

Sep16Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) Is My New Fake Boyfriend [Like John C. Mayer]
Tonya

With a tip of my hat to Mommy Wants Vodka and her hilarious prankstering, oh and to John C. Mayer, of course, I’ve decided to discuss why Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) - and I should be together for eternity. In case you don’t know who Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) is check out his Wikipedia page and his Facebook page. Also you can see him working in his studio on YouTube (Eminem Marshall Bruce Mathers III looks good in glasses, don’t ya think?). You can also see his new video for Not Afraid here. I’ve written about my love of Eminem before, see here.

First off I don’t care much about Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) ’s fame. I don’t expect Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) to buy me a car or a house or even lavish me with gifts. So I’ve written Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) a letter:

Dear Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III),

May I call you Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) ?

I ‘m not some shorty looking for a handout. I just like your anger and your passion. And your talented prose is unbelievable! I’ve loved all your albums, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), from Infinte (ok, this one, not so great) to The Slim Shady EP and LP, Marshall Mathers LP, The Eminem Show (one of my favorites, btw), Encore (even though, quite frankly, you were phoning it in) and now Relapse (you even strangle me in the “Tonya” skit) and Recovery. Oh, and, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), I feel your pain. Like you, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), I didn’t have the greatest childhood nor do I really speak with my mother. So, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), we have a lot to bond over. Also, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), I curse quite a bit (this should be a plus) and I’ve got a bit of temper (this, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), will keep our love alive).

Now, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), what can I offer you? Obviously, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), you’ve got success and fame and money n’ shit so, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), you’re probably wondering what I bring to the table. Well, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), there’s my quick wit, I’m seasoned – ok in my 30′s but that’s way better than some stupid 20 year old, am I right, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)? I know that you must value substance over hot, young perkiness any day. I do have large boobs though, although I’m not sure if your a boob man or an ass man, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III). Also, I have a kid, you’ve got a kid, or 3. How many kids do you have, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III)? Well, it really doesn’t matter because I’d be happy to be a mom to all of them and love them as my own. And I’m well educated so, I know in interviews you say you’re dumb, this means, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), we could balance each other out. Plus, I’m very complimentary so when you say terrible things like that about yourself, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), I will make you feel better.

Ok, now that I’ve completely sold you on being my boyfriend, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), we just have one slight problem: My husband. Now, I love him so we’ll have to figure out how to make this work. If he’s amenable could we, you, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), and I, see each other during the week and then perhaps on the weekend I can hang out with him? See, this is one more reason why I would be an awesome girlfriend, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III). You could see whoever you wanted on Saturdays and Sundays. Win – win! Am I right, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) ?

So, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), you should give me a call. I’m not a stalker. We could just meet over a cup of coffee, perhaps take a walk in the park and get to know one another.

Love, Tonya

P.S. Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III), could you tell Dr. Dre he’s awesome. Thanks. You’re the best, Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III).

P.S.S. Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) you’ve been John C. Mayer-ed

Part 1: (This Article) Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) Is My New Fake Boyfriend [Like John C. Mayer]

Part 2: Eminem (Marshall Bruce Mathers III) And I Are In Love

Part 3: A Day in the Life of My Relationship with Eminem

Filed Under: Marshall Bruce Mathers III Eminem
Tags: also, i love eminem, i love mommy wants vodka

20 Comments