ad hoc MOM

Aug24I’m Getting the Word “Wednesday” Tattooed On My Forehead
Paula

I don’t have any tattoos, but I think that’s about to change.  June starts pre-school in just a couple of weeks, and I was super excited that the pre-school gods had smiled upon me and my friends and had blessedly arranged it so all of us were at home with our kids on the same day.  A mom’s group miracle!  Play dates for everyone!  Perhaps a trip or two to a museum!  The possibilities were endless!  Or so I thought.

Maybe Morticia Adams named her daughter “Wednesday” so she would remember what day to pick her up from daycare.

June is going to pre-school in a very part-time fashion, so I’m supplementing with one day of daycare, and some quality mom time too – (I’m still very much an ad hoc MOM), so I carefully mapped out which days she went where on my calendar with different colored ink to avoid any possible confusion.  So imagine my surprise when I got a confirmation email from June’s daycare confirming a completely different day than I had inked out in bright fuchsia ink.  Not only was I sad about play dates lost – but seriously, how could I not know which day my kid goes where?  Am I one step away from being the mom who forgets to pick up their kid at school?  The very next day, my husband asked me what time our flight left for a trip we were taking later this Fall.  I realized I had no idea, so I checked my calendar like any organized super mom.  Nothing but a big fat blank page started back at me.  So it seems I bought some plane tickets, failed to write down the date and time of our trip, didn’t bother to write down any confirmation number, nor did I note which airline we were taking.  I was pretty sure I bought tickets – or did I?  I mean, I don’t know which days I take care of my own kid.  And by the way, what exactly was wrong with ACTUAL PLANE TICKETS?  I can’t help but think receiving a real plane ticket would have saved me a) one near heart attack b) one hour spent trying to convince myself I don’t have super early onset Alzheimer’s and c) another hour digging through credit card statements for proof that I did in fact book our damn trip.

What’s next. . . leaving the house in my underwear?  Picking up the wrong kid at daycare?  Forgetting where I live?  I better get to the tattoo parlor right quick – lest I forget, once again, exactly what it was I needed to do on Wednesday to begin with.

P.S. It’s 8:40 p.m. and my family has just finished a dinner of takeout pizza (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but guess who got to the grocery store, did her shopping, only to discover SHE LEFT HER WALLET AT HOME IN THE DAMN DIAPER BAG?  Yeah, that would be me.  Aces!

 
Aug23Let The Hate Mail Begin…Because I Have an Opinion Y’all
Tonya

Like all moms I want my son to grow up to be happy and healthy…ok, and, in all honesty, successful and smart, and, if it’s not asking too much, for him to buy me a mansion and a sports car.

But I also want him to be free. Free in the sense that he can be who he wants to be, say what he wants to say, and worship how he wants to worship; these rights are provided by our 1st Amendment. But today, I’m saddened and appalled that Americans are about to destroy those inalienable rights by following in the footsteps of the misguided souls who seek to tear down our country.

By blocking the construction of an Islamic Cultural Center a few blocks from Ground Zero we will be letting those few extremists win. Their goal, in blowing up the World Trade Center, was to obliterate the American way of life and if we continue to protest with such prejudice  – against our own people: Muslim Americans — we will be helping them do essentially that. Regardless of your religion and political leanings, we must all remember that first and foremost the USA was founded on the principles of freedom of religion and speech; the very principles that we are now, ourselves, erasing.

I was in NYC on September 11th (it was actually the 2nd terrorist attack I have lived through). Like everyone in the world that day I was devastated and scared. But I refuse to let that fear and sadness cloud my rationality. Just like I refused to move from New York after that day. We must remember that every religion has their extremists, their criminals, their miscreants. We cannot judge an entire group of people based on a handful. If this were the case then Catholics, Born-Again Christians, Mormons, Jews, and every other religion, race, and class would have a lot to answer for. Here are a few examples:

1. Timothy McVeigh was Catholic

2. John Wayne Gacy was Catholic

3. Ted Kaczynski was an Aethiest

4. Ted Bundy was a Mormon then a Hindu

5. Jefferey Dahmer was a Born-Again Christian

6. David Berkowitz (Son of Sam) was Jewish before converting to Born Again Christianity.

7. Berni Madoff is Jewish

8. Adolf Hitler was a Christian (I realize people will argue with me on this so here is a quote from his book Mein Kamf: “I am convinced that I am acting as the agent of our Creator. By fighting off the Jews. I am doing the Lord’s work.”)

Now, before I open up my email to all kinds of hate mail, let’s get down to the REAL business at hand. These are a few things I believe should NOT be allowed in the vicinity of the World Trade Center:

1. Mel Gibson’s Jewish Community Center

2. A house made of cards (aka, the NY State Senate)

3. A statue of Schneider from One Day at a Time (I’m pretty sure with that tool belt and that ‘stache he was a kid toucher…I’m just sayin’)

4. The Spencer Pratt Marriage Counseling Institute

5. A penthouse for Celine Dion (she annoys me)

6. Anyplace where I’m not allowed to be shirtless and shoeless (cuz I’m that classy, people!)

7. A chicken farm (birds freak me out)

8. A playground for washed-up porn stars (who wants to see that…although I could probably hang there – shirtless and shoeless)

 
Aug22He Will Never Be As Clean
Tonya

After a round of strawberries and yogurt I asked my spouse to please wipe our toddler’s face and hands. Apparently I should have explained with what:

This is for wiping down counters...NOT children!

I had to point out that it says to keep away from children:

I also added my own warning labels in case he should get confused...again.

But, hey, our son won’t be getting the Influenza A virus today.

 
Aug19TAPS by Laura Munson
Paula

It is summer in Montana and it is past our collective bedtime, but we are driving into a sky glowing burnt orange, steel green mountains not yet silhouettes.  The days are full here, too full, maybe.  There is a three month panic to be scantily clothed and to wave the limbs around in hot air, in water, on a sweaty horse’s back.  Suddenly there is so much sun after so much snow and grey matte sky and it’s a drug we agree to take in overdose.  I don’t wear sunblock.  Neither does my husband.  We slather our baby in it, but let the undersides of our arms rest on the hot black paint of the car door while the tops– all the way to our fingers– in-between our fingers, bake in high-noon sun; then on our foreheads and backs at the lake in sparkling water, on hot rose rocks, on alpine trails, in meadows of lupine, Indian paintbrush, yarrow, huckleberries. Continue reading TAPS by Laura Munson

 
Aug17Law & Order: Discarded Stuffed Animals Unit
Paula


This fluffy rabbit with the big ears was once the beloved companion of a little girl, but was carelessly tossed aside like stale veggie bootie in favor of toy trains, Curious George DVDs and iPhone apps.  Rabbit became desperate, doing anything to fall back into the little ones’ favor, acting extra soft, reminding the child of “good times” such as that stomach virus back in 2009.  The ploy didn’t work. “You’re dead to me rabbit” were the girls parting words.  Rabbit begged to be spared but was left on the cold cruel streets of Brooklyn along with a busted-up exersaucer and a pile of ill-fitting children’s clothing size 2T.

Just another sad stuffed animal story.

 
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